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Author Topic: Friday Joke  (Read 108062 times)
BANGKOK RED

« Reply #240 on: Friday, September 17, 2010, 18:29:57 »

What do you call a bloke who gets drinks for a ginger girl in a nightclub?

A barman.

chortle
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BANGKOK RED

« Reply #241 on: Tuesday, September 21, 2010, 10:23:45 »

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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leefer

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« Reply #242 on: Tuesday, September 21, 2010, 18:04:24 »

Al Capone was furious...on leaving his best shoes on the doorstep he noticed a cat biting and chewing them...after a few times of this happening he ordered Vito the opera singing henchman to catch the beast.
Vito waited all night and finally he saw the large cat trashing Als shoes...he pulls out a gun and shoots the poor Moggy dead.
Vito was proud of his work and went to show Al Capone the dead animal...he walked into the office,pulled out the dead cat ..got down on one knee and in a loud singing voice proceeded to sing

Pardon me Al...is this the cat that chewed ya shoe shoes.
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Talk Talk

« Reply #243 on: Tuesday, September 21, 2010, 20:41:40 »

A MARRIED MAN

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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BANGKOK RED

« Reply #244 on: Thursday, September 23, 2010, 13:50:06 »

How many soapy tit wanks does it take to change a light bulb?

I'll do it for one.
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nochee

« Reply #245 on: Thursday, September 23, 2010, 13:56:51 »

I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.

He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."

I said, "Hard work?"

He said, "No, you're an ugly cunt."
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Peter Venkman
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« Reply #246 on: Thursday, September 23, 2010, 13:57:18 »

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I like to buy four KitKat Chunkys, melt them a little bit, stick them together and then pretend I'm a midget eating a normal sized KitKat.

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tescos complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.

I think he had A wrecked aisle dysfunction

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The Games Workshop.

The only place in the world where you can feel your virginity growing back.
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Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
Red Frog
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« Reply #247 on: Thursday, September 23, 2010, 14:06:45 »

The other day I was out and parked in a disabled
parking bay. The nearby traffic warden shouted to
me,"oi mate, whats your disability?", so i shouted
back, "tourettes you cunt, now fuck off!".
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Tout ce que je sais de plus sūr ą propos de la moralité et des obligations des hommes, c'est au football que je le dois. - Albert Camus
nochee

« Reply #248 on: Thursday, September 23, 2010, 14:10:04 »

I've just de-flowered a virgin.

I mugged a ginger kid coming out of a florists.
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nochee

« Reply #249 on: Thursday, September 23, 2010, 14:22:17 »

A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.

"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.

"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"

"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."
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sonicyouth

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« Reply #250 on: Thursday, September 23, 2010, 15:36:10 »

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I like to buy four KitKat Chunkys, melt them a little bit, stick them together and then pretend I'm a midget eating a normal sized KitKat.

boo, that ruined Bill Bailey's bit
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Red Frog
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« Reply #251 on: Thursday, September 23, 2010, 16:47:21 »

I was in bed the other night with my new girlfriend and she said, I've never held such a big willy. And I said, you're pulling my leg.
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Tout ce que je sais de plus sūr ą propos de la moralité et des obligations des hommes, c'est au football que je le dois. - Albert Camus
jayohaitchenn
Wielder of the BANHAMMER

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« Reply #252 on: Thursday, September 23, 2010, 18:22:00 »

What's the difference between a feminist and a lesbian?

The spelling.
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Saxondale

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« Reply #253 on: Thursday, September 23, 2010, 22:15:01 »

Q: What's the difference between
Basil Brush and a suicide bomber?
A: A suicide bomber only goes
"boom" once.
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Never knowingly overstated.
Bogus Dave
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« Reply #254 on: Friday, September 24, 2010, 12:21:30 »

saw a bloke with a toupe playing football earlier, his control was excellent. He had a good touch for a wig man
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Things get better but they never get good
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