... from the Ronny Rozenthal and Chris Iwelumo School of Finishing. This follows my graduation with distinction from the Gareth Whalley College of Forward Passing and the Titus Bramble Academy for Defending. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot seem to play football.
I turned up tonight for my usual Monday night kickaround and, obviously being mistaken for a quicker player who has a touch and able to cross, was stuck on the right wing. I huffed and puffed, but hardly managed to see the ball, and when I did I either played a miserable backwards pass or hoofed it high into the night air. No matter how hard I try, I seem to have zero ability with the ball within 5 yards of me. To my credit, I am fairly fit, despite smoking (not had a fag since Saturday!) and can hassle and hurry, but charging at more skillful players like the Hereford Bull doesn't seem to qualify as playing football (though Lee Carsley made a career out of it...)
The night was crowned when the ball came to me at the back post through a crowd of players, four yards out, my moment of glory. My mind was already on my celebration as I spurned the chance to equalise at 2-2 tamely passing into the sidenetting. It was such a bad miss no one even took the mickey. We went on to lose 5-2, with my pride severely dented. Tonight was just a friendly, but a competitive fixture and more embarrassment looms on Friday.
So expect to see me donning a Swindon shirt on Saturday, and being the best Swindon player on the park...!
