Friday Joke

[jim]

A woman meets a guy in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving
together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in
rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organising the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,
enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it
strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection
of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite
impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe this guy could be the one! Could
he be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss; the passion builds; and he romantically lifts her
in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each
other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever
known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they lie there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says:




"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[tans]

[strooood]

a man walks into a bakery and points to a shelf and says
"is that a macaroon or a meringue?"
the woman behind the counter says, "no you're right its a macaroon"

(i should probably mention, it should be read in a strong scottish accent)

[stfctownenda]

[land_of_bo]

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be "FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal? "We have a passenger here at "Gate 14" who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to "Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

[Luci]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell.

 Much to her dismay, she opened
the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.
You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said.


'Just look at you . You have no legs!'
The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'


'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?'


The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

[Summerof69]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, Painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her breasts and crotch. The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week......

Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

[dell boy]

Magician David Blain was gutted yesterday when he found out his record of 44 days of doing fuck all in a box was smashed by over six months by Newcastle United's Michael Owen.