Peter Venkman
We don't need no stinking badges.
Offline
Posts: 59520
Things can only get better
|
|
« Reply #660 on: Thursday, January 9, 2014, 17:25:59 » |
|
My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.
Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
|
|
|
Logged
|
Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
|
|
|
Family at War
Offline
Posts: 485
Midfield Maestro
|
|
« Reply #661 on: Friday, January 17, 2014, 13:54:52 » |
|
My mate sent me a text last night all it said was A N B G - I said that's BANG out of order.
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
Peter Venkman
We don't need no stinking badges.
Offline
Posts: 59520
Things can only get better
|
|
« Reply #662 on: Friday, January 17, 2014, 13:58:38 » |
|
Having watched Benefits street, it's not much different to Sesame Street.
Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin, and people trying to learn the alphabet.
|
|
|
Logged
|
Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
|
|
|
Bewster
Offline
Posts: 4004
We fucking love you Gumbo!
|
|
« Reply #663 on: Wednesday, January 22, 2014, 23:19:37 » |
|
Juan Mata arrested for doing a u turn on the M6
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
jutty274
Offline
Posts: 1863
|
|
« Reply #664 on: Thursday, January 23, 2014, 16:36:04 » |
|
Juan Mata has failed his medical because he is out of his mind.
Juan Mata has handed in a transfer request, at Man.Utd
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
ChinaWhitenRed
Offline
Posts: 148
|
|
« Reply #665 on: Saturday, February 1, 2014, 20:07:11 » |
|
A English ventriloquist visiting Wales is walking in the country side and sees a local farmer sitting on a log patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local , 'Good day, mind if I talk to your dog?
'Farmer: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English twat.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doing all right.'
Farmer: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this farmer your owner?' (pointing at the farmer)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Farmer: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Farmer: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Farmer: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the farmer)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'
Farmer: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Farmer: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fucking liar
|
|
|
Logged
|
Change must come through the barrel of a gun
|
|
|
Peter Venkman
We don't need no stinking badges.
Offline
Posts: 59520
Things can only get better
|
|
« Reply #666 on: Wednesday, February 12, 2014, 10:25:36 » |
|
A soft drinks factory has suffered a major leak, flooding a nearby village with thousands of litres of lemonade.
Reports suggest dozens of people have been schwepped away.
|
|
|
Logged
|
Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
|
|
|
Saxondale
Offline
Posts: 6400
|
|
« Reply #667 on: Thursday, February 13, 2014, 15:08:25 » |
|
I feared my wife had Tourette's, so I took her to see a psychiatrist.
The good news? She's not got it.
The bad news? I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.
|
|
|
Logged
|
Never knowingly overstated.
|
|
|
Peter Venkman
We don't need no stinking badges.
Offline
Posts: 59520
Things can only get better
|
|
« Reply #668 on: Thursday, February 13, 2014, 15:18:36 » |
|
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.
|
|
|
Logged
|
Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
|
|
|
Saxondale
Offline
Posts: 6400
|
|
« Reply #669 on: Friday, February 14, 2014, 13:20:19 » |
|
Two DJ's walking down the road. One says to the other - 'do you fancy going to the cinema?' The other replies - 'Who's the projectionist?'
|
|
|
Logged
|
Never knowingly overstated.
|
|
|
walcot red
Offline
Posts: 1549
|
|
« Reply #670 on: Thursday, February 27, 2014, 09:44:54 » |
|
So I walk into a jewellery shop, and I say Au got any gold?
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
fuzzy
Offline
Posts: 1333
A Bastard apparently
|
|
« Reply #671 on: Friday, March 7, 2014, 09:44:57 » |
|
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
Peter Venkman
We don't need no stinking badges.
Offline
Posts: 59520
Things can only get better
|
|
« Reply #672 on: Friday, March 7, 2014, 09:53:19 » |
|
Over the past week, I've burgled ten houses in Liverpool.
It feels great to get my stuff back.
|
|
|
Logged
|
Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
|
|
|
Honkytonk
Offline
Posts: 4413
Whoo Whoo!
|
|
« Reply #673 on: Friday, March 7, 2014, 10:50:04 » |
|
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
Suddenly Pistorious' actions make a lot more sense.
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
Saxondale
Offline
Posts: 6400
|
|
« Reply #674 on: Thursday, May 15, 2014, 12:54:44 » |
|
Q: What was Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination? A: Haaaannnnd eeeyyyeeee
|
|
|
Logged
|
Never knowingly overstated.
|
|
|
|