Friday Joke Thread

[Peter Venkman]

My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

[Family at War]

My mate sent me a text last night all it said was  A N B G - I said that's BANG out of order.

[Peter Venkman]

Having watched Benefits street, it's not much different to Sesame Street.

Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin, and people trying to learn the alphabet.

[Bewster]

Juan Mata arrested for doing a u turn on the M6

[jutty274]

Juan Mata has failed his medical because he is out of his mind.

Juan Mata has handed in a transfer request, at Man.Utd

[ChinaWhitenRed]

A English ventriloquist visiting Wales is walking in the country side and sees a local farmer sitting on a log patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local ,
 
'Good day, mind if I talk to your dog?

'Farmer: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English twat.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doing all right.'

Farmer: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this farmer your owner?' (pointing at the farmer)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Farmer: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Farmer: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Farmer: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the farmer)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'

Farmer: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Farmer: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fucking liar

[Peter Venkman]

A soft drinks factory has suffered a major leak, flooding a nearby village with thousands of litres of lemonade.

Reports suggest dozens of people have been schwepped away.

[Saxondale]

I feared my wife had Tourette's, so
I took her to see a psychiatrist.

The good news? She's not got it.

The bad news? I am a cunt and she
does want me to fuck off.

[Peter Venkman]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.

[Saxondale]

Two DJ's walking down the road.
One says to the other - 'do you fancy going to the cinema?'
The other replies - 'Who's the projectionist?'

[walcot red]

So I walk into a jewellery shop, and I say Au got any gold?

[fuzzy]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[Peter Venkman]

Over the past week, I've burgled ten houses in Liverpool.

It feels great to get my stuff back.

[Honkytonk]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Suddenly Pistorious' actions make a lot more sense.

[Saxondale]

Q: What was Whitney Houston's favourite
kind of co-ordination?
A: Haaaannnnd eeeyyyeeee