Fucked up dreams...

[Dazzza]

Last night I had one of those very real dreams where I even asked myself am I dreaming pinched myself and said no, no I’m not.

I awoke at my parents gaff after a heavy night out to receive a phone call from a Swedish girl called Anya who said she was pregnant with my child.  I couldn’t remember who the hell this Anya was but she had called the old folks who where clued up on the situation.  Even scarier was the fact she claimed to be carrying my child and wanted serious maintenance.

Rather worryingly I had married Anya 18 months back and we had apparently lived together for a few weeks before going our own separate ways.  As I recall my parents explaining this to me it all came flooding back and it seemed that I had been on a bit of a drink and drugs bender after we had gone on our separate ways hence explaining the hazy memory.

Off I went to the hospital for a DNA test and she produced a Johnny full of spunk that she claimed had belonged to me, to get my DNA.

After I screamed foul and much shouting I had a blood test instead.

Like some sort of game show meter I sat there watching as this bar swung from positive to a negative match.  I shat myself as at the end of it a blue bar flashed up 100 % on the monitor with accompanying jingle and flashing screen.  Fortunately the nurse assured me that was just the “progress bar” to show the test was complete.

I can remember the relief and sheer joy of it showing a negative match and danced around the hospital like a man that had just won the world cup.

Poor old Anya (who in the mean time had given birth) admitted it wasn’t mine in the end and said she was poor and homeless.

  Like a good Samaritan I took her in and gave her a home.

[Simon Pieman]

 That is class

[Dazzza]

 That is class

Fuck me it was scary, the worst thing was the sense of impending doom and the fact my life was literally over.

I remember some clever cockney commenting that maintenance was 50% of your salary.  

She was reasonably fit though, which is why I may have agreed to have taken her in.  Rather worryingly is the fact I had to look up her profile on the Tinternet to see what she looked like.

I’m battered anyway and off out on the pish.