Ben dropped two crumpets in the toaster and pressed down the lever. Nothing beat a couple of crumpets to go with a cup of coffee in the afternoon. Looking around he suddenly realised how dark it had gotten outside. "That's strange, it's the middle of the day" he thought as he leant over to switch on the lights. The expected luminescence flooded the room, but it was short lived. The lights fizzled on and off a few times before settling on a slow dimming into darkness.
The gloom seemed to be imposing into the kitchen, an unpleasant attack of night at the wrong time. The mindless chatter of the radio seemed to struggle against it, the droning of the voices lengthening into scilence.
The relentless whirring of the washing machine was the next to go, the momentum of it's spinning finally giving in to stillness, it's damp contents slumping down, never to finish their spin cycle.
"My crumpets!" cried Ben, expecting the worse as he jumped across the kitchen to check on his toasted snack. The toaster seemed to be working fine, but there was something different. The warming promise of an afternoon treat had gone, replaced with an ominous foreboding in the glow of the filament.
Something wanted Ben to finish his crumpets.....
Something or someone? What secret did the crumpets hold? The answer to these questions stirred Ben into action. He put on some tights and a pair of leggings and pirouetted through the front door into the cold and unwelcoming afternoon. "Maybe the answer lies with the supplier of the crumpets" he mumbled to himself. He headed toward the shop that had sold him the crumpets, intent on getting some answers.
He entered the shop, sounding a bell that announced his presence to the shopkeeper who appeared from behind a curtain that hid his living quarters from the outside world. "I've been expecting you" he said with a smile that reminded Ben of a PE teacher that used to watch him and his school friends shower after gym. "The crumpets...." Ben started. "You want something harder?" said the shopkeeper, pulling a packet of muffins from under the counter. "No....I.......Do you have jam?" Ben said. "Of course" replied the shopkeeper and lead Ben through the curtain....
spacey strode purposefully down the street. He stopped to admire his muscular frame in a shop window, he was so buff that even his reflection was jealous. He stood for a few moments admiring the view of himself before noticing that he had run out of fags. He went into the shop, a bell rang alerting the shopkeeper who came from behind a curtain to the left of the counter. "What do you want" snapped the shopkeeper impatiently. "20 crumpets and a box of matches" replied spacey in a manly and fashionable manner. The shop keeper handed over the crumpets and matches and spacey pulled a £20 note from his excellent trousers and placed it on the counter "You must leave now, I'm closing" said the shopkeeper ushering spacey out of the shop door. "Alright, keep your fuckin' hair on" retorted spacey brilliantly. The shopkeeper stood outside the door and looked left and then right along the street before retreating back inside and flipping the sign to indicate that he was closed for business.
About 200 yards down the road spacey stopped in his tracks "The fleecing bastard" he exclaimed "He didn't give me my change." spacey headed back towards the shop with the speed and grace of a gazelle. The sign said closed, but undeterred spacey tried the handle, fortunately the shopkeeper had neglected to lock the door.
"Hello" enquired spacey tentatively. The lights in the shop were out, but a flicker of light was eminating from a gap between the curtain and shop wall. spacey moved slowly towards the curtain and stretched out his hand. "What do you want!" shrieked the shopkeeper."Fuckin' Nora!" gasped spacey pausing briefly to regain his composure. "My change?" he said with the palm of his hand facing upwards. The shopkeeper pushed spacey through the curtain. "Wait here!" he said. The shopkeeper moved toward the till, paused and then went to the door where he turned the lock. Meanwhile behind the curtain "Alright Ben, what the fuck are you doing here?" said spacey.
The shopkeeper returned ignoring spacey's outstretched hand, he switched off the TV which was emitting white noise, turned to face the window and said "We are no longer of this time. We must protect The Mystical Crumpet of TEF from the approaching army." Ben sat perplexed "What fucking army? And who the fuck are you?" The shopkeeper turned to face them "I am Neville the Wizard of Pun, The Army of Bartness approaches. We must act quickly!" spacey lit a crumpet "Mind if I smoke?" he asked, not giving a toss either way. " A wizard ay, are you any good?" he continued. Neville the Wizard of Pun placed his little finger upon his chin and said "I don't like to blow my own crumpet." "For fucks sake!" spewed Ben.
"The Mystical Crumpet of TEF is the crumpet equivalent of God" explained Neville the Wizard of Pun. "But what have muffins got to do with it" asked Ben. Neville the Wizard of Pun shook his head "So much to learn" he sighed "The crumpet holds the magic, muffins provide the protector with the power to protect the crumpet. Come, we must go to DV, he will sell us more muffins from his muffin shop. If you require some savoury accompaniment, he can also provide cheese. He crafts sculptures from sticks, so will accept these sticks that I have as payment for the cheese........................He gets money for muffin and his sticks for brie." "FUCK OFF!" cried Ben and spacey in unison
Next time: Lord Frederick of Elliot and his trusty sidekick Sam, pledge their allegiance to the Mystical Crumpet of TEF and join the fight against the Army of Bartness.
