Slightly edited Oxford Match Report

The scum lose out on penalties

By Jon Murray

Oxford Utd 1, Exeter City 2
(After extra time. Agg 2-2. Exeter win 4-3 on penalties)

Oxford United, the laughing stock of the Conference, suffered a penalty shoot-out heartache last night as all their dreams of Wembley and promotion were ended in the cruellest way imaginable, much to the joy of the rest of the country.

They were taken to extra time and the lottery of a shoot-out on a night of drama and unbelievable tension at the Kassam Stadium, the only three sided shed in the UK.

But their biggest failing this season, that of being unable to put the ball in the net, came back to haunt them as Barry Quinn, Billy Turley and Chris Zebroski all missed their penalties, and oh how the county of Wiltshire laughed.

Turley, the coke head goalkeeper, who had said all along he wanted to take one if it went to spot kicks, looked a right twat as he missed his penalty, however he then made amends for his miss with a stunning save from Richard Logan to keep Oxford alive, for a few minutes at least.

But he couldn't do it a second time after Zebroski's kick, like Turley's had hit the post instead of going in, proving their really is a God.

Exeter's Steve Tully thumped the ball home, to send the thousands of Grecians fans ecstatic knowing that it would be them going to Wembley, not the Oxford fans who began to shed a bucket load of tears. Misery, depression, embarrassment all awaited the idiotic U’s fans as their comments of how they were going to walk the league, and that Oxford were too good for that division came back to haunt the inbred bastards.

It was hard to deny the Devon side deserved victory. For most of the match, they outplayed United, who were all over the place, not just at the back but all over the pitch, where they seldom maintained any shape.

The Grecians really went from it from the first whistle, and never really let off .They managed 28 shots at goal before it went to penalties! They peppered United’s goal like a machine gun weilder nutter would pepper a US high school on a killing spree.

When United went in front in the 27th minute, it was totally against the run of play, some talentless prick scored which sent the numpties wild in the stands. “We’re going to Wembley” the twats sang, almost wanting to tempt fate.

Until then it had been all Exeter, and they had had a goal disallowed, wrongly according to TV replays.

The Devon side levelled on the night six minutes before half-time with a simple powerless header from Lee Phillips beat the useless cunt in goal to get the home fans' nerves jangling again.

There was a fantastic atmosphere in the stadium with both sets of supporters making a lot of noise before the teams came out, almost as much noise as at the end of the match when it’s been reported you could hear the sobbing for miles around the shit hole of the Kassam.

The referee's assistant had his flag raised immediately and the goal was disallowed.

However, TV replays showed that Phillips wasn't offside - so it was a massive let-off for the U's. It was obvious that if Oxford were to get to Wembley they would need all the help of the officials and this was a good start.

City had taken the game to Oxford from the off, with Wayne Carlisle sending in a testing cross from the right that Eddie Anaclet headed out.

Then a chance for Oxford, one of the cunts in yellow was tackled, in the box, Rice may just have got a bit of the ball as well, but it still seemed a clumsy challenge. Yet the ref wasn't interested in awarding a penalty, which to be fair was the right decision, as I just said he did actually get the fucking ball.

The home side struggled to get their game going, unable to string more than three passes together, which is kind of what you’d expect from a bunch of non league cunts, in such contrast to the first leg last Friday, when there actually looked like they could play football at a reasonable standard, well reasonable Sunday League Standard.

Exeter pressed forward with free abandon, clearly feeling they had nothing to lose. Lee Elam chipped a shot goalwards, which lacked the power to trouble Turley the Twat, but ten minutes later the same player ran 40 yards, charging in from the left with United's players back off him, and fired in a curling shot that was heading for the top corner until Turley pushed it aside, he must have thought the white powder on the ball was a line of coke.

At the back, Oxford's central three of Matt Day, Barry Quinn and Phil Gilchrist were unsettled having realised what a shit team they were a part of and often having to make up for slips by their shit head colleagues. Day produced one particularly crucial challenge to win the ball after an error from Quinn.

The goal helped to relax the U's and they almost doubled their lead in the 36th minute from their first corner, swung over by Martin Foster. Zebroski's headed from the back post was almost turned in, got cleared only as far as Danny Rose three yards outside the area, but he blazed over- “what a cunt”, one fan was heard to have uttered.

A two-goal aggregate lead at that stage may have seemed comfortable, but on 39 minutes Exeter levelled to get back in the tie, and the home fans collectively shat themselves, as did the fucking useless cunts on the pitch.

Within four minutes of arriving on the pitch, Duffy had the perfect chance to put United ahead again when he raced through on goal with just Anneka Rice to beat. He dummied a shot and then rolled a shot straight into the keeper's body. I almost pissed myself laughing.

That miss became even more significant when Exeter grabbed a second goal on 70 minutes to level on aggregate.

It came as a result of poor defensive play by Burgess, who was being penned into playing at left back and didn't looked comfortable playing at such a high level of football, perhaps a move to Didcot would suit this over rated piece of shit.

Burgess tried to flick the ball over Adam Stansfield from a superb long diagonal pass by Rob Edwards, and Stansfield bore down on goal and drilled a low shot past Turley and just inside the left post.

Now United's fans were nervous, their mood not helped by the fact a lot of them were upset at missing Tuesday’s episodes of Emmerdale and Eastenders not to mention several times seeing the home side just hoof the ball forward from defence.

Exeter, playing boldly and with great confidence, nearly went 3-1 ahead, Stansfield drilling a left-footed shot across the face of Turley's goal and barely a yard past the far post.

Stupidly Oxford supporters thought Odubade had equalised 11 minutes from time when he headed in after Zebroski nodded on Matt Day's long throw-in, but this too was disallowed for offside, because in truth he was offside.

The pathetic Duffy glanced a header wide from a Foster free-kick in the closing minutes. In injury time, home fans' hearts were in their mouths as Quinn stumbled and Jamie Mackie had what seemed a simple chance - but Turley came to the rescue again.

And so it went into extra time.

Not another 30 minutes of complete shit, thought the home fans, “come on we can beat this bunch of pricks” thought the away fans.

Smith, nearing death, then made a double substitution, replacing
Martin Foster with Carl Pettefer, and Rose with Gavin Johnson.
The home fans' support in the penalty shoot-out was magnificent. But it wasn't enough, thank fuck.

So Oxford United stay where they belong in the “Blue Square Premiershit”, hopefully the fact the U’s fans can carry on boring the rest of the country about how big their crowds are for this standard and this time next year we can all laugh at the over confident cunts again as Salisbury City and York gain promotion to the Football League.