Thetownend.com

Slap them down.



Why was Santa's Little Helper feeling down?










He had low elf esteem.


 :o

Why is Santa's sack so big?









He only comes once a year.


 :o

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?








Answer: Claustrophobic.

 :|

:o

shcoker.

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

 :o

Why has Santa got no kids?

Because he only comes down the chimney.

:o

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?






You get tinsel-itus!

 :o

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimeny apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"

Two snowmen are in a hanging out, just chillin', when one turns to the other and sniffs the air. 'What's up Snowy?' the other asks.




'Can you smell carrots?'

 :o

Not strictly Christmas, but:

A priest and a rabbi walking down the road see a young boy.

'Lets screw him' said the priest

'Out of what ?' said the rabbi

NMH

Why don't the police eat Turkey?

Because they prefer Truncheon Meat.




I think I stole that from the Rivals site but it made me chortle so it needed sharing.

They are not putting up Xmas decorations in Vietnam this year. They are just going to hang Glitter balls !

NMH

What do you call a reigndeer with one eye ?

No-eye-deer .

(must be the shittest christmas joke I have ever heard :D )

what do you call a reindeer with no eyes AND no legs

still no idea

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.  The letter read,

      Dear God,

      I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension.  Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had  £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension day. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.  Can you please help me?

      Sincerely

      Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected  £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, It read:

      Dear God,

      How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.  We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

      By the way, there was  £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b*stards at the Post Office.

      Sincerely

      Edna

Why does santa have 3 gardens?









So he can hoe hoe hoe....


sorry

I was just gonna post that one  :twisted:

Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?















You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.