Thetownend.com

Jokes please people,I'm in the mood for a laugh :D

Ok,I heard some funny ones today and I am deeply sorry if I offend anybody ok but I'm not really nasty.

How do you save an ethiopian from drowning?

Through it a polo
( :( )


Whats the fastest thing on earth?

An ethiopian chasing a mc donalds van.


A cucumber,a pickle and a Willy were chatting about how their life sucks.The cucumber said 'When I'm fat and juicy they cut me up and chuck me in a salad'.The pickle replied 'thats nothing,when I'm fat and juicy they soak me in vinegar and put me in a jar'.The willy said 'You think thats bad hear this.They throw a tent over my head put me in a dark room and knock my head against the wall until I'm sick and pass out'
 :oops:  :D

:?

Last one was good Sade.

ok how do you erase the first two :( I knew It would offend people.

The funniest thing was the way you spelt throw. :D

Last one was not bad though.

*throw  :oops:

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It's okay," he said, "but why won't they let me fart?"

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: Good one dave.

A personal favourite of my fathers...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed
with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's
name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is
alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's
name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly gets
up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.
"Come on Dick, we're leaving"

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the
pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old
man replied, "It's fart Rugby."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Try and
conversion - 7-all".

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
Penalty - 10 points to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty
- 10-all."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and
says,"Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a
woman, so he strains real hard, but to no availability .

Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he
craps in the bed.

The wife says, What the hell was that?" The old man says,
"Half time, change sides.

:D haha.

That one is hilarious!!!I am nearly crying :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Not exactly a joke,but another sadieo moment occured today at work.....

Lady 1- "my mums got hemeroids(spelling)"

lady 2-"what are they"

Dumb ass - "Are'nt they those things that fall from the sky?"

 :oops:  :oops:

Just in my defence I did'nt hear them properly honest.

i'm quoting this so you can't delete it  :D

Oh Piss flaps :x  :(

Q: What do you call a fat bird with a yeast infection?

A: A whopper with cheese.

one from the pub...

what's black and sits at the top of the stairs?




stephen hawking in a house fire.

How do you confuse an idiot?

Pink shoes.

I won't say anything  :D

That is clever, i really understand that joke!

What happened to the short sighted circumciser!?



He got the sack!

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Who did the man bump into on his way to the optitions?....

Everyone :?

Old and you've all probably heard it, but what the heck

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights have got to stop.  I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Equally awful one liners  :|

1. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
 
2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
 
4. Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.
 
5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
 
6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.
 
7. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night?
His last name.
 
8. What's the down side to a threesome?
You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
 
9. How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
 
10. Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
 
11. What's the similarity between a hurricane and an Alabama divorce?
Somebody's gonna' lose a trailer.

David Beckham gets on a plane to Madrid with an economy ticket, and sits in 1st class.
Air hostess: Excuse me sir, you'll have to move, you have an economy ticket.
David refuses to move, so the air hostess calls the co-pilot.
Co-pilot: I'm sorry Mr Beckham but you will have to move, these are not your seats.
Still he refuses. So the captain says "Don't worry. I know how to handle this one". So he goes over, and gets Beckham to move to the economy seats.
"How did you do that?" asked the co-pilot
Pilot: "I told him 1st class wasn't going to Madrid"

George Bush's secretary walks in and says "Mr Bush, err, 3 Brazilian soldiers have died today in Iraq"
Bush is lost for words and starts mumbling in the corner.
"Is something wrong Mr Bush?"
"Is something wrong? THREE BRAZILIANS?! How many millions is that?!"

Both lame I know  :cry:

I've got a good'un :D

There were two eggs boiling in a pan.One was a girl egg and one was a boy egg.All of a sudden The girl egg shouted 'I've found a crack'.The boy egg replied 'oh hang on I'm not hard yet'  8)  

Thank ye Thank ye.

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  Thats a gooden

Dave m Russell is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Dave sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Dave decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mum, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mum is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Dave remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

:mrgreen:  :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:

Paddy goes up to the counter and says 'Can I have a pound of Irish Sausages please'? The man replies 'Are you Irish'?

Paddy is outraged. 'Oh, so if I asked for Salami, would you ask if I was Italian?, If I asked for Bratwurst, would you ask if I was German? If I asked for Brussels Pate, would you ask if I was Belgian'?

'Uh.....'stammers the assistant.

'If I asked for Mexican sausage would you ask if I was fucking Mexican' Paddy shouts.

'I guess not' says the assistant

'WELL WHY THE HELL DID YOU ASK IF I WAS IRISH'?? Paddy responded.......................................................




'Because you are in Homebase'

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Two nuns were sat on a bench in a churchyard when a streaker ran past.One nun passed out and the other had a stroke :D one of my favourites.

I went to the zoo the other day and to my amazement the only animal there was a dog!

It was a shitzu.

:soapy tit wank: Lame but good.

One night in the nursing home, old Bill, Doris and the other old folk are watching TV in the darkened room.

Lady Chatterly begins on the TV and Doris starts to feel a bit frisky. She slips her hand down Bill's trouser and starts slowly wanking him off, until he finishes with a large smile and returns the favour.

For several nights Doris and Bill meet in the TV room and both have their fun...

One night Doris walks in the TV room and finds Bill at the back again.
But to her surprise Bill is already smiling as another frail old lady has her hand down his trousers pleasuring him.

Doris is appalled and shouts at Bill "Why are you with her? What's she got that I haven't?!?"

Bill looks up still smiling and says: "Parkinson's"

Sick but good!

Not one to tell my grandmother.

One from my sister -

How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?


None, they'll all just sit there in the dark, probably crying.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry round an umbrella?

Fo' Drizzles :|

An Englishman, Scot and Irishman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishmn says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought 300 pounds worth of meat because it was on special offer, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scot agreed that she sounded pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent 17,000 pounds on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles, "my wife is so stupid, she was leaving to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a cock!!

Fo' drizzle ma nizzle. That joke is of the hizzle fo' shizzle

Lets hope we can shizzle the brizzle nizzle :D

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  saw it coming but a goodun all the same

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Whats brown and sticky?

a stick.

 :?

I'd have never thought seeing DMR coming could be good  :?  :shock:  :|

A girl goes up to her mum; 'Mum, I have been graped' 'Graped?' questions the mother, 'don't you mean raped'?.....................................................................

'No, there was a bunch of them'

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

The willy said to the balls 'right we're going to a party later'.The balls replied 'no we're not because whenever we go,you go in and leave us two outside knocking on the door' :D  8)

In this age of industrial collaboration, Ford and Renault have got together to build a new hot-hatch.  The car will be based on the Renault Clio but with an engine from the Ford Taurus.

There's a dispute over the name for the car though.  Ford insist it should be the Taurus-Clio but the French prefer.........

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A: Lickalotpus

A man called bob got on a plane one day and its his first time ever flyin. Hes quite uncomfortable about flyin, so hes very nervous.
He boards the plane and sits in his seat. 5 minutes later, a man comes up to him and says, "Excuse me mate, but your in my seat". Bob then replies, "Um, i dont think so pal". The man then says again but in a more frustrated way, " Excuse me but you are definetly in my seat". Bob replies, "Look this is definetly my seat now piss off". Then the man says angrily, "Well you fly the pissin plane then"

 :D  Heh heh..........Well it sounded funny when i first heard it.......

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A megasawarse

Haha  :)

Why was 6 scared of 7?

Because 7 8 9  :)

Why did the Turkey cross the road?

Because it was the Chikens day off  :D

What's the most popular operation that lesbians ask for?


A Strapadicktomy

Why did the Irish man wear two condoms?

To be sure, to be sure :D

What do you call a female pop star who can't stop eating?

Ganett Jackson :(