Thetownend.com

....in a football ground.

The bolt jammed on the bog door about 2 minutes before kick off.

I had to call for help  :(

Getting ejected from Mansfield's ground 2 minutes after kick off for giving the wanker sign to Mansfield fans! :D

Errrm, Fell down the stairs in the town end when we scored against charlton in the league  :doh:

The Stewards trying to evict me at Walsall but me clinging on for dear life and not letting them take me. I won

Hethab lost

I fell over celebrating Ben Hutchinson's goal at Brentford last season. I think part of it was the alcohol and Si trying his best to flatten me but also the almighty shock of actually having seen him score a goal in any form of play.

Not being able to work the automatic turnstiles at Elland Road. Two seasons on the trot.

Inviting 15+ friends to Forest away in Feb 2006 for my stag weekend.  Great game if you were a neutral or a Forest fan.

Haha! I remember that. It was a frame-up!

Getting smashed full pelt in the face by the ball hit by a stockport player, 10 minutes before the last Division 2 game in 1996, which caused a nose bleed and having to walk in front of the stratton bank to St Johns Ambulance.

Many moons back i was evicted from the Arkells stand after some banter v Oxford...as i was led away past the stands my young daughters Headmistress waved at me and said Hello.........suffice to say i didnt pick my daughter up from school for a while after.
I still cringe at the embarasement.

Having a mini football hit my face and make my eye the same size as the ball whilst it was being thrown between blocks in the DRS a couple seasons ago.  :(

walking through the away end at hartlepool with a foot long hot dog and realising people were staring at the fat kid with the fuck off big hotdog

Yup....I stupidly brought a friend along to that game too.....

getting the score wrong on the scoreboard

A few seasons ago i had Phil smith do that to be warming up, straight in the face :(

 :cunt:

Getting taken aside by a policeman as I fitted the description of someone who had been throwing coins at the Leeds keeper. Turns out the description was 'wearing a coat'. His companion looked at him like he was a fruit loop when he enquired if I was the offender.

Hahaha my mate got done for that Axes and i can confirm you look nothing alike.

Ha.

I wasn't even in the country and I remember that.

In the first leg play off semi v Charlton, a mate of mine was sat in the DRS by the bank. A young Charlton fan of about 13 did a gesture towards my mate; the lad's mum saw it and cuffed him  :)

I remember about 5 years ago when my mate pushed me down the stairs in the town end when they used to have the nets over the front row, i was drunk miss judged the jump to clear the netting and got my feet tangled and ending up out cold face first on the floor and having to be taken out on a body board as my back hurt, the ambulance wouldn't take me to hospital as i was drunk. I went the next day and found out i had broken my nose, cheek bone, fractured jaw and a depressed fracture of the eyesocket.

Probably gesturing to millwall boys to have a go when it was last game of the season and I could barely talk let alone stand!

I fell down three rows of seats in the drs a few years back

Many years ago at Walsall we lost 5-0. The fans were seperated by a solid iron fence. When they went 3-0 up some tosser was giving it large. When they went 4-0 he wandered over to the fence and called me a tosser. When they went 5 up he put his head in between the railings. I was very nonchalant pretending to ignore him when wham I went to smack him in the gob - only to miss and do my hand in punching the iron railing. Unfortunately this was right in front of a copper who turfed me out. As i was being marched out, the Walsall fan was shouting wanker and I think he beat me 5-0 as well.

At Cheltenham away in 2008, and John Granville warming up Phil Smith ( yes this is a recipe for disaster), and they were practicing catching, and John was kicking the ball to Phil, and on one go, he sliced it like 15 metres wide and conked it straight into my face. And then a poor game to follow up, what a bad day !

Barnsley away, October 1994.

I was kicking an empty can of Lowenbrau up the street outside the ground and basically acting like a twat in front of my mates when a big fat northern copper marched up to me and politely asked me to stop.

Upon being told to "go fuck himself", the copper (who was all of 5 foot fuck all, whereas I am six foot two) grabbed me by one of my fucking ears and dragged me across the road, and then proceeded to deliver the mother of all bollockings to me in his "last of the summer wine" accent.

Fair play to him though, he let me go to the game, although my ear hurt for fucking weeks and I had to live with the "foggy" and "Compo" jibes for ages.

And we got beat 2-1.

Northern Cunt 

I was going to say 'the machete incident', but I was far too pissed to be embarrassed. Looking back I think it was more comical than willy shrivelling.

So I will have to go with with getting the piss ripped out of me by my mates for my 'clapping' at the Walsall away game in 2006.

Hmmm.

Going back to my schooldays, playing for Ciren Town U16s. Went on a football trip to Villa which involved a coaching session then watching the match V Millwall (I think, not important). I stood on a seat when the crowd rose and it broke (I wasn't even a fat bastard then). Anyway queue ribbing from team mates and trying to grass me up to the stewards.

But that wasn't the embarrassing bit.

I took (skived) the next two days of school to finish some CDT GCSE coursework. I get a phone call from my then girlfriend asking if I had anything to tell her as to why I was off. Which was a bit strange but I confessed my skiving.

When I got back to school it was our PSE (some bollocks social education non-lesson) 'pub lunch' day. My PSE teacher bought me a drink, and I must have looked puzzled as to why. She said "it must be hard for someone who has been inside". Turns out my 'mate', who we shall call Gavin for that is his name, told everyone I had been mistakenly arrested for hooliganism when picking up the seat I had broken at said match. And she'd bizarrely taken it at face value.

Looking back I wasn't the one who should have been embarrassed, should I Mrs 'gullible' krauer.
-------

Swindon related, t'was the night of the Cheltenham mickey mouse cup match during the troubles. The one where Mex harangued Sandy G and the directors over non payment of money we owed Cheltenham.

Anyway the stewardess in the town end was saying they were expecting a bit of a restless night. My mate joked about invading the pitch, everyone retired to their seat to enjoy a bovril. Then said stewardess and a 'tango' appear and we spend the next 5 minutes trying to convince him we weren't serious and not to chuck us out.

I wouldn't mind, but I was the one who got the lecture, and also the checks every two minutes during the game.

hehehehe it always brings a smile to my face remebering shouting sandy grays address across the arkells to the cheltenham directors

soapy tit wank To this day you get reminded of that, what a great day though! :)

I recall going to Oxford back in March 2001 for the last derby game at the Manor Ground.  After getting in 15 minutes late due to PPP on Oxford's behalf I stood to watch a majestic displays from Andy King's men.  When Steve Robinson scored his second goal I thought it would be a good idea to run forward and jump onto the iron grill at the bottom of the away end to celebrate.  Now I have never been good at climbing anything and it was proved once again.  My footing slippped, I cut my chin, sliced my fingers open and suffered a twisted ankle upon landing.  What a goal though.

Another incident happened after the Brighton home game (1-1 I think) in November 2001.  After the game we needed to make a quick get-away in order to catch the bus.  As I used my pace around the corner from the 'Nationwide' Stand to sprint past the Club Shop I connected with a raised manhole cover and preceeded to halt my inevitable fall by resembling a falling horse at the Grand National.  I fell, hit the ground hard, rolled a couple of times and landed back on my feet.  A few people laughed at me, it was embarrassing, but I looked fucking cool with the double roll.

I am sure there are a few other times too, think on...

How'd you manage that?

Charlton Away at Upton Park - can't remember they year, perhaps 92

Arrived after half time smashed and stoned, sat on a barrier in the terrace, fell off and got kicked out.

Sussex falling down the steps in the town end and nearly going over the advertising board onto the pitch!

Walking to one of the home games, I bought the programme and was reading away whilst walking along (silly idea) and walked striaght into a lamp post on county rd, much to the amusement of a fair number of other Swindon fans making there way to the ground.

Falling through a seat I was stood on at Charlton. Then getting stuck for about 5 minutes.

I got frisked at Villa Park many years ago and the steward asked what I had in my shirt pocket?

"That's my rib" I replied.  :no:

Thanks all.... Sitting on train home from work and this is very entertaining reading!

Brilliant!

I'll let Ralphy explain his :D

Not another embarrassing moment for me, but one where i launched a laugh was when some spotty kid went off the coach at bristol city around 2001 and walked straight into the wing mirror

Knowing the guy who got the wrong score on the scoreboard

Forest wasn't it?

Swindon 1
Forest 2

I think?

To be fair they did score twice.

3 times (2 og's)

on an all dayer v charlton in play offs away so justified giving it large to some teenagers in the stand next to us (yes juddie, that was me with the rucksack)

millwall at wembley and returning to swindon with me tail between me legs, got in the sir dans bout 7ish when they were happy to allow town shirts, didn't take kindly to getting told that I had to take me town shirt off at around 930, so kicked off with 4 bouncers and next minute get cuffed by the OB(first time in me life at age 37!)....so theres a common denominator(sp) with me and watching the last 2 games of last season, alcohol and acting like a twat at footy....come to think of it, fulham away last year not taking too kindly to Andy Johnson and attempted to launch the gas canister from me air horn at him and only just missed twatting a town fan and a steward so:-

3 games v london clubs, getting lashed and acting like a twat.....when we got brentford away again?!

In 1991, I took my girlfriend, on her first visit down south, to the Barnsley game (as they were from her neck of the woods it seemed only fair).  As we (I) enjoyed the game from the comfort of Stratton Bank,  she wilted and fainted in the tropical Wiltshire sun. 

It wasn't embarrassing at the time as I didn't actually manage to notice.

Nineteen summers later and the wife's barely been back to the CG.  But rest assured it gets dragged out and exaggerated at every opportunity.

Er yeah I can relate to that.

Bloody hell, you just reminded me the same thing happened to my girlfriend v Man U at home. I had a good spot on the Bank, she said she wasn't feeling well and was going to the side to get some air. Next thing I see is a bit of a caffufle in the crowd and  then she was escorted down the touchline by some medics to the medical room  and I had to lose my spot and go and find out if she was alright.

I was more pissed off than embarrassed. In fact if I knew how it would all ultimately  turn out I'd have left her there.

She was asked whether it was the sight  of Ryan Giggs that did it. She didn't know who he was. Birds. Leave them at home.

I know. Was making another point.

Wrong game.

A few years ago (could have been Colin Todd era maybe), I went in the Town End for the first time in a very long time for an evening game straight from work. Bearing in mind that I very rarely buy food inside the ground, and having never been to those particular kiosks before, I panicked slightly when, after purchasing what looked like a very dry slightly burnt burger I couldn't see any ketchup anywhere. Then, with a huge sigh of relief I saw what looked like the top of one of those large ketchup bottles with the push down top and a long spout. I placed my burger underneath the spout, pressed the button, only to see a gush of boiling hot water come out of the spout, all over my burger and my hand.  :doh:

I think only a few people saw it happen, but even so, what a twat.

At Wembley, a little bit drunk and coasting on an adrenaline high I was up and out of my seat, hands in the air celebrating the would have been goal before Charlie's bobble even before he struck it. As I returned to my seat, with that sinking feeling I noticed a LOT of Millwall fans laughing and making wanker signs in my direction, there was even pointing.

I'm not going to repeat it myself, apart from maybe a little mention of the time I set myself on fire in the townend - quite fitting in a way, but I think I have most of you beat several times over. On one event. I'm sure somebody will link to the relevant thread. I blame Jayohaitchenohpeequareestee.

I also absolutely love him to bits. Haven't seen you for ages dude, give us a shout when you're out on a saturday night or something

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Wasn't that after Cheltenham away? I probably don't remember because I was absolutely cunted too.

I think you'd gone off home in a taxi chasing an engagement ring or something. But yeah.

Yes mate, it's been too long. I'm up Longs tonight for a mate's birthday if you're about in Old Town.

You can bring the speed this time :D

i recall you setting fire to yourself in the arkells too.

I'm out tonight with work folk. Hopefully Ryan is cunted enough to do his gay dancing again, hours of entertainment :D

Literally hours of fun.