Thetownend.com

here is a thread that is for you all to use if you have any problems or general enquiries about life and its great mysteries.

i will try and answer you all and impart some of the lessons i have learnt on lifes rich road of adventures. :D

do you still think i'm a cunt?

dear sonic youth,

are you sure you havent already tried that spliffage yet? paranoia at such a young age can only be harmful. i advise you stand naked in front of a mirror and repeat 10 times "i am beautiful" do this daily and life will treat you with a spring in its step.

mexico red

Dear Mexico Red

Im am fast approaching middle age and find myself a single dog obsessed beer swilling fat man.Should I buy myself a wife on the internet or pay for sex down Manchester Rd?

Kind regards

Yeovil red

dear mexico red

i am worried that i am becoming a stereotypical geek with gothic tendencies, what can i do to stop this before it's too late?

lots of love

sonicyouth

dear yeovil red

middle age should be looked upon with fondness not fear, embrace the biological changes that are encompassing your body and be proud.

save up your pennies and fly out to a third world country try south east asia or latin america, your beer swilling skills and fine physique will not be frowned upon but will be hailed as "sexy" and "cultural" young girls will throw themselves at you for free as they will see you as a good catch, thus saving you money and those embarrassing moments when you have paid for sex done the job and small talk is slightly stretched.

mexico red

Of course there's the lovely Aliona from Sumy, Ukraine.. Understands only simple written text with help of dictionary, needs most letters translated.
"I would like us to start a family full of happiness"
http://64.226.221.2/photo/o/ov3491c.jpg

dear sonic youth

there is a simple answer to your problem, if you are working class get a job at anchor butter, not only will you meet discernable young ladies who will save you from geekdom, but also squirty sex cream is free.

if you are middle class take up the drug ecstacy, under no circumstances try this if you are slightly working class. house music will become the chosen way and before you know it you will be getting sucked off by a girl named tabitha in a bohemian bedroom in lawn.

mexico red

Dear Mexico Red,

I think I have a serious addiction to caffeine - I can't stop consuming the stuff. The mornings are the worst time for me after sleeping off the 'high' from the day before I hit really bad 'lows' prompting me to consume more caffeine than ever before. It's like a vicious cycle for me.

Unfortunately everyone makes fun of my constant twitching and girls who would normally be jumping into my bed are put off by my coffee breath. I am constantly poor, scraping the barrell just to fund my next 'hit' of caffeine.

What am I to do?

Simon Pieman

Dear Mexico Red,

My hair is starting to fall out on the top of my head. As an elder gent are there any tips to stop said hair falling out or at least a way of concealing it for as long as possible?

Please help. I'm going to be as angsty as SY used to be if I go bald. I dont want to be a bald cunt.

Many thanks in advance

Piemonte

Dear Mexico Red,

The older I get the shorter my attention span seems to get, it seems that no matter what I do I just can't quite finish things off.  I get easily bored and so find it h

 :soapy tit wank:

hooray! 8)

Head back in that direction and you'll get the arse raping of a lifetime young man :wink:  :D

dear simon pieman
unfortunately most people are addicted to one thing or the other, it seems the cross you have to bare is caffine, each addiction has its positives and negatives, what you have to do is weigh them up.
my advice is throw yourself whole heartedly into  another more fun addiction, i suggest heroin or sex with prostitutes, not only will you meet a whole new circle of friends but you will rid yourself of that evil caffine cycle.

mexico red

Dear Mexico

I need a good few nights out on the pull to exorcise some demons innit. No cash. What would you suggest babes?

Hugs and kisses

DMR xx

dear piemonte
going bald is a fact of life similar to ginger girls are easy lays, embrace your baldness dont be ashamed, focus on the positives such as when bowling in cricket the sun may reflect into the batsmen eyes off of your shiny pallette when bowling a delicious yorker thus smashing through middle stump, or think of the pounds you will save in hair care products, the saved money could be spent on paying for private eye to confirm that your girlfriend is sleeping around because she is going out with a bald guy, therefore ensuring you save on hours of stress and anguish in the future.
mexico red

dear janaage

what you have is scottishitis, this is contracted through years of bad diet, tennents export and being the arsehole of europe.
give up
mexico red

dear dmr
there is no straightforward answer, however the best idea is become an international house dj overnight, get bookings all across europe and you will recieve a trophy girlfriend, these girls look beautiful however for each positive there is a negative, for example they will most probably be from chingford in essex however they will let you cum on their face.
mexico red

Dear Mexico Red

I have a relationship problem.

For the past month or so I've been seeing a slightly older woman (33). Everything is going really well and we have a lot in common. She can drink for England and the sex is great (she gets off on swallowing, fisting and rape fantasies  :? )

However, she's going through a messy divorce and says she can't commit to anyone right now. Do I get out now and put it down to experience or give it a go and risk being shat on from a great height?

Please take into account she's fucking loaded and has an Audi TT.

Yours shallowly,

Sussex Red

dear sussex red

sounds like you have landed on your feet, why commit, just shag the arse off her. maybe you could try golden showers or let your mates stand round her in a circle and dish out there own special cock snot.

seriously,to keep one step a head you will need to invent a special story, something along the lines that 3 years ago you fell in with the wrong crowd and things turned nasty, you owe a particularly nasty member of this crowd £3000. ask her if she will loan you the money as you fear for the safety of your kneecaps. bingo not only will you be loaded but she cant dump you becasue she will want her money back.
mexico red

Thankyou Mexico Red, you've been an inspiration.

As soon as Clare Raynor gets back to me with her feedback I'll weigh up all my options.

My gut feeling is I'll just carry on shagging the arse off her and fuck the consequences.

Sussex

:D This was a great idea.Mex knows all 8)

Who deleted my porno

 :shock:  :D Anal fisting or just the more traditional approach?

What a great thread.  It's only gonna get better, especially if Sussex replies to PM!

Yes Jan. yes it is. :D

A lot of birds do seem to get off on rape fantasies as well. slightle bizarre given how bad if fucks most rape victims up.

Just the more traditional approach I'm afraid PM  :D

I'm fine with that, but the rape thing's a bit weird. I mean how far is too far? Apparently I've not gone far enough yet  :shock:  I've ripped clothes off and forced her to do stuff (no pain) but she wants it to be painful. I thought no meant no, but apparently not in this scenario  :?

I'm being corrupted, and it's ace  8)

They say you need a safe word in these senarios Sussex, may I suggest the phrase 'Matthew Hewlett sexy football' this is surely going to put you off your stride, so to speak, and will probably also cunjour up images of Andy Gurney doing Matty's wife. sick

Fair play sussex. dirty birds are great :mrgreen: I'm going out with one too :D

We've got a safe word Tom, but apparently I've not gone far enough for her to need to use it. She wanted "don't stop", but I thought that kind of defeated the object, so we settled on something more sensible.

This lady sounds top draw 8)

Heh heh! Good thread.  Well done to everyone involved! 8)

Classic stuff. Sussex red and his antics crease me up

Dear Mexico Red.....

    My name is Reg and I've a "thing" about birds called Sophie who like to do it doggie style.....do you think I might ever meet one on thetownend?

She is a very nice lady, yes.

She gets back from a business trip to Prague this afternoon, and apparently she's going to introduce her 'rabbit and cuffs' into tonights proceedings  :shock:  :D

Be afraid Sussex.

Where do you think that rabbit is going :?:  :D

dear reg,

just a couple of questions needed before i can tackle your problem, this "thing" what do you mean exactly, are you after love and romance, or something more sinister, also the name sophie, what is your fascination with the name, could you doggie someone who changed there name by deed poll? in regards to meeting someone from the townend i would just head down the merlin stick a wig on yeovil and away you go.
mexico red

Sophie seems like a posh birds name...and I've always found posh birds to be dirtier than your average.....did meet a nice one called Fiona last week.

dear reg

now i feel i understand the root of your problem, an inferioty complex brought about by the  juxtaposition of the disparate class system. the challenges that this can bring about have had scholars debating from dawn till dusk for centuries, the marxist take on your situation would suggest that the women you mention are just a tool of the bourgouis state keeping you in your place, to cast of the chains of oppression you feel you need to stamp your maleness and dominant side in able to cast off the shackles of the capitalist world.

the other angle is get a train to bath, they are all posh there and probably take it up the arse.
mexico red

Although on the surface your analysis of my situation has some merit.....I prefer the post Marxist  thoughts of Herbert Marcuse (Mark Hughes).....who in his seminal tome Eros and Civilisation...argued that repression was the very order of bourgeois capitalist society...leading to the neurotic repressed individuals that Freud so ably described.

 For Marcuse the answer was to liberate the libido.....a philosophy I've assiduously tried to follow down the years.

  Do you know the times of trains to Bath?

Apologies all. I think I may have hijacked Mex's thread. I know that kind of thing is a bit frowned upon, sorry.

I'm sure more of you lot have problems that need sorting?! Get asking. Mex can change your life with his words of wisdom  :D

Perhaps you should start your own thread.

'Last night my saucy other half did me up the arse with a strap on'   or summit

dear mexico red,

i've decided women are horrible and useless, but they're quite pretty. instead i shall finally live up to my reputation and become gay, being a resident of brighton do you have any advice for me?

lots of love

sonicpoof

dear sonicpoof

when reality hits home it is indeed a disturbing and stressful experience, i can feel your pain, but do you really think that strolling down bourneville boulevard is the right way to go? didnt god say in the commandmants left for moses on mount sinai, thou shalt not rim felch or probe another mans starfish. does it not state in the koran bumboys are infidels blow them up with plastic explosives.

but if needs must needs must, the one place i dont suggest you go is brighton, you see all the men are gay so the women are gagging for it, thus i can for see your predicament getting quite out of hand.

mexico red

 :D  go on sussex, you know it makes sense :wink: