Thetownend.com

A few months ago Whits suggested expanding the website to more than just a forum, so we could have a homepage with news, articles, information and so forth. The idea was a good one which unfortunately fell flat on it's face, for whatever reason. Anyway, I've been pondering it recently, pitched the idea to Dazzza and I've got a friend on board who is a very good web designer (check out www.rotates.org, www.detonalstate.com and www.loopeh.co.uk) and is willing to do most of the work involved in getting in running. However, that's not the difficult part - what is hardest is keeping it going, content in particular. We have a very active forum here and it would be nice to expand beyond the forum, whilst keeping the website designed to incorporate the forum as much as possible. Basically, I had a few ideas of some features we could do so I'll briefly run through each.

- Daily news With the wealth of daily news information, it wouldn't be neccesary to rewrite it all ourselves but a brief daily roundup of the days headlines - STFC relevant of course - with links and a summary of each would suffice.

- Squad info Just a small section with possibly a brief history on each player, maybe stats if it's not too difficult to keep upto date. Perhaps a small review on each players previous seasons.

- Columns Essentially, I would intend for this to be the crux of the website, the main feature which makes it unique to all of the others. Basically, people could write columns whenever they felt like it on anything that they wanted to rant about where STFC are involved. Maybe a match report, possibly a ticket price complaint, whatever you like. The most important thing is not only that people are willing to contribute regularly, but that people don't feel obliged to contribute. It won't be a job.

- Featured players Maybe a weekly or fortnightly thing where various forumers can write a profile on past or present players, their favourite memories or why they were so shit. Perhaps build up a 'legends' section.

- Match preview I once wrote a match preview for a Rushden & Diamonds website, where they got opposing fans to write a brief summary of their team, key players, tactics, the season so far etc. This may be more difficult to do, but could prove interesting. Mainly, it'd be nice to have a brief section on forthcoming opponents with information on previous meetings, form, players and maybe even ticket/travel/pub information as well but I think OST's column in the programme covers that fairly well.

- Match report Yes, those really long posts I make that nobody reads could get even longer! I'd be pretty happy to do these for all the home games but somebody else would need to do away games. It wouldn't be a match report per se, not in the sense that it would be a chronological review of the games events but a review of individuals performances, the game as a whole, the sort of posts people already make on the forum. I'll buy a notepad for next season.

- 'Ask Reg' If he's up for it, we can all send him endless pointless questions and he has to answer them  8)

- Polls Not the sort of shite you get on the Adver site, but link them to the forum to try and spark debate on breaking news, matches, players, ticket prices and whether the Winners lounge is full of old men or not.

Okay, so those are my suggestions for content. I'd appreciate more, so whatever you've got - please post.

Overall, I'm hoping it will be a website that will be for the fans by the fans which is a total cliché, but nevertheless I think it might just work. It'll be about opinion, not fact, and the focus will be on the forum. I don't want to detract from what we've got here, only to improve it. On the negative side, if this does work then it may end up having a detrimental effect on the forums. We could start getting an influx of the mongs from the Adver forums which is the reason we all moved here in the first place but then again, perhaps if we shout and swear at them enough they'll fuck off.

Lastly, if this does take off I can probably get adverts up on the scoreboard and maybe tie it in with the supporters club somehow. We're sponsoring a player next season thanks to Whits' hard work, time and effort, so it would be nice to have something to link it all in with. The only problem would be that if the forum became more widely accessible, we may have to tone down the content a little which isn't ideal really, but maybe a sacrifice worth making for a busier forum. Look at how busy the Shitty forum is, wouldn't you like that here?

Anyway, hopefully this hasn't bored you to death and you've all got something very exciting to say so please respond!

Yeah why not. Match reports and columns would be good definitely. Maybe also a slightly off-topic section on neighbours. 8)

If people are willing to put in the effort it's definately worth a shout

yeh, great suggestion. i was thinknig about it the other day.

i'd be willing to lend my services if required.

Include advise on away days? Pubs, costs, what the ground is like etc?

Photos/Movies/Highlights- or is this enfringing copyright?

unless its your own photos/movies then yes

I like the sound of this SY let's go for it.  I'll help out I've always wanted my own column.

I'd prefer an occasional input.....entitled The View from Smeeton's Tower...if anybody really wants to ask something then they can easily do it on here already, and I'm more than happy to oblige.

    A project like this will require a lot of time and hard work to make it as decent as it should be.....if you're up for it SY then why not

Can I have a random column on my drunken antics each weekend? I could do a new drugs tested part and add pics soapy tit wank

it would all be good SY. if it can be achieved that would great

i used to my own column on 'tubo's' website. then he shut the thing down....but id help if needed.

All those ideas sound good to me.

The forum ladies could do some topless photoshoots for our page 3, and write weekly colulms on household chores and cooking. :D

Only kidding.

dont hurt me :oops:

Aparantly I have a cleaner from the forum! actually she hasnt done teh bathroom yet......

Here is my first entry in the occasional feature.....The View From Smeeton's Tower.

   http://www.uk-cornwallexplore.co.uk/media/images/fromsmeatons5.JPG


  Seriously SY do you think folk on here have the discipline and organisational skills to take something likre this seriously?

I nominate myself to review "adult" sites in a weekly colulmn - I dont really want to you know, but if its for the common good of the TEF :wink:

I think the idea is for people to do the odd bit when they feel like it.I cant see it being a problem whats the worse that can happen everyone does 1 column then gets bored and we all retreat back to the forum to talk bollocks :soapy tit wank:

I'm certainly interested in this.

We could have a section after each game where we each give a mark out of ten for every player, using some software that lets each member vote on the teams performances only once a game.

The software could then work out every player average rating for each game, which can be kept on a list throughout the season, culminating in an average rating for the season CM/FM style.  

The player with the highest score over the season can be named the 'Townend.com Player of the Season'.

If the software to do this is hard to come by or utilise then I could keep all the data on a spreadsheet that can be posted after each game.

I'd like a rant column!

Seriosuly, we need to
- get a website to go with the forum- columns, news etc
- do away with all the moderators, maybe just have one
- pictures area

Im so tempted to moderate this post :P

 But if you feel like doing the odd something and posting it up you can do that  here anyhow.....Ok agree it doesn't really matter if it falls flat, but I think SY sees a really decent effort...not your typical nerdy boy web page type thing.

  Which will of course require time and effort.

make it into a cricket website  8)  :beers

Wouldn't we have to change it to thepavillionend.com then though?  And as it's a Swindon website that means there'd only be about two people here if Swindon CC is anything to go by.

As long as there is a framework in place updating the thing shouldn't really mean to much stress.

If we can get some basic sections on the go like squad lists, links, travel info, past players that sort of thing it should allow for updates as and when really.

A link to different forum threads from an index page (Adver style) should make sure that content is kept nice and fresh.  

Anyone fancy having a crack at some sort of logo?

just to keep you in the loop janaage:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/cricket/counties/scotland/4489229.stm

personally i think we should go for more of a fanzine style hotch-potch than trying to make site with stats and profiles are other boring things

Cheers Boeta, I read yesterday, on the information super highway that is Ceefax, that the ECB have cut the funding to the Scottish team to £250,000.  We won't be able to provide haggis sandwiches and Irn Bru at tea anymore.

I'll be up for it,

Can i have a column called Whits on Tour with pictures from away day travels  :D

 If we had thepavilionend.com I could post picture sof old scorecards on it.

 http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y154/Reg__Smeeton/Copyofscorecard.jpg

This sounds quality and is a cracking idea!  I will also try and lend a hand when i can with anything!  I particularly like the idea of rating the players as at year end we could have a definitive player of the year etc!

"Whits shits" would be better.  A daily column (with photo's) on your excrement.  You could describe the delivery, was it a difficult crap, or did it just slide out, much of a clean up operation needed, what did you eat to produce such a monster, that kind of thing.

I like it reg, maybe this pavillionend.com could be a winner.

July 1967 for those interested.....the tourists had some good names .....Asif Iqbal, Wasim Bari and Intikhab Alam......Inty took 8-61 with his legbreak and googly, which for  many years was his best first class return.

I don't think we really need news/player profiles unless someone has the time to do it well as you can get that from a lot of other sites but some columns and stuff, a photos section including whits photos from games, match reviews etc. etc. would be good and shouldn't be too difficult to do.

That was my initial reaction, but eventually someone probably SY will have to take executive editorial decisions......if someone wants to do the usual stuff that gets done elsewhere, and can do it to a decent standard then it has to be considered.

We could have an alternative (ie fake/false) player profiles, a jokey write up on players such as

Sam Parkin - d.o.b 30.11.81

Known as the Tartan Tornado Sam was signed from Kilmarnock in a swap deal for Daniele In-vin-che-blay (plus $1.5m) in July 2001.  Scoring a hat trick in his league debut for Town the scottish striker wasted no time becoming a Swindon legend, despite the town's hatred of all things Scottish.  Despite being linked to Real Madrid and Colo-Colo Sam remains at the County Ground where he is happy to win medal after medal each year.

I'd love to write some fake profiles.  8) That is something missing from all the other sites.

Maybe we should start off with the basic site and things you can't get anywhere else and then if there's people who can do all the extra stuff then expand on that.

Depends how much time people have, if someone wants to do a section then why not.

I'd agree with most of that - no point in doing player profiles & history etc because you can use www.swindon-town-fc.co.uk for all that sort of stuff. likewise latest news would be a waste of time because people would just look on the official site or the adver site for that, & the match reports.

i like the idea of the the 'alternative' profiles though & whits' picture thing

David Duke - The Pele of the North

Ever since Davie watched his first old firm match, back in 1979, he wanted to be a professional footballer and at the tender age of just 12 years and four months Dumbarton granted "Davie" his wish.  Unfortunately his leg was broken in four places during that match, which kept young Davie out of football for the next 8 years.  He'd have to wait a long time until Andy King, would give him his second chance.  Once given that chance however, Dukey never looked back.  An ever present in the Swindon Town first time since the dawn of the new millenium, a cult hero he has become.  And if you're ever in the Old Town area of town, keep an eye out for the 15 foot solid lead statue of the Pele of the North, a real sight to see.

The Swindon Town Legends Profile Column: This week, Matthew Hewlett

2005 was a sad year for many. When Town were unable to fulfill their promotion dream, it left many disillusioned with the beautiful game, especially with one Matthew Hewlett. Joining Swindon in 2000 Hewlett had to win the fans over, especially after playing for rival team Bristol City. However Hewlett  managed to win the fans over with his superior shooting skills and ball retention.

Unfortunately Hewlett was not offered a contract renewal in the summer of 2005 - branded as a political issue by some fans after the ongoing rows between the clubs president Willie Carson and manager Sir Andy King.
The laugh was on Carson though, when Hewlett moved to local rival Cirencester Town and turned the clubs fortunes around almost single-handedly within one season. His career blossomed soon after, winning 23 England  caps and scoring the winning goal in the FA Cup final 2008.

Hewlett, now regarded as one of the best midfielders the game has ever produced, has since retired and advertises impotency treatment with Pele.

Not really, no! I'm not going to run around the forums demanding people update their columns, contribute something or whatever. It's entirely voluntary and I'm not going to sulk and go off in a huff if people don't take it seriously. Personally, I'll be putting in the hard work and I'm happy to do so. However, once I go to college somebody may have to help me out a little.



I like this idea actually and it shouldn't be too difficult to implement - set up a poll after each game, work out an average mark for each player per game then total them up at the end of the season. I'll have a word with my mate about this.



You forget that I am a typical nerdy boy, Reg. As I've said, I'll be willing to put the donkey work in, all I want is some regular/occasional contributors so the website isn't totally empty, I don't want it to turn into somewhere just for me to moan about stuff. I've got a blog for that already.



My mate (SEPTiMUS) is going to have a crack when he gets round to it. I've told him not to use yellow :0



I've never read an STFC fanzine, so I'm not entirely sure what it would entail but I'm not proposing a website that's going to focus purely on stats etc, it's more about fans opinions than anything else. Basically, the stats, squad profiles, club info is just a bit of background information to attract the punters.



Definitely! I meant to put that in my original post actually.



Fair point but you can't go wrong with a bit of background info really, as I said it would be to attract the punters more than anything. Player stats are probably unnecesary, but a squad list with an alternative profile as suggested elsewhere in the thread would be superb. I'd be willing to knock up a paragraph on each player, wouldn't take me too long.



Agreed, but a daily summary of the news with nothing but headlines and a sentence about each would suffice. It'd be easier for people than trawling through all the other websites as well. I'd be willing to do that as well.

Anyway, keep the suggestions coming guys. I've just crawled out of bed and I'm pleased to see you're all so enthusiastic!

What about the fake player profiles section?  That's gotta be included!!

Well it seems we may have the basis for a really good site here I reckon.

If your mate cannot sort out the player ratings thing (I'm sure he can quite easily though) I'd be happy to be responsible for maintainig it.  It'd give me something to do if I jet of to France for a few months of snowboarding at the end of the year, as is my plan.

I said it would be, I think. It's class  8)

Lloyd Opara - Lloyd Opara arrived at Swindon amidst waves of speculation of an upcoming premiership transfer, Swindon finally signing the young star after a move to Chelsea collapsed on premiership deadline day after they couldn't match Opara's wage demands.

 The 16 year old moroccan former world motorcycle champion took just days to settle into his starring role in the Swindon attack marking his debut with a double hatrick and continuing in a similar vein.  Over the course of the 2004-2005 season Opara won plaudits from footballing pundits across the country including Alan Hansen and some bloke off final score. He won admirers aplenty among Swindon's many fans with lifelong Swindon fan Angus Deayton likening him to a "armadillo on speed" after one of his scintillating runs cut yet another opponents defence to pieces and then he finished with a beautiful 30-yard curling shot into the upper right corner that's since gone down in history as one of the premierships greatest ever goals, prompting Mark Lawrenson whose always had a loose grasp of geography to christen him "the Russian Pele".

Unfortunately just days later Swindon fans were distraught when Opara was poached from Swindon by big-spending Alderley Town from the onference south, who wanted to disrupt Swindons championship campaign as they've held a long standing grudge against Swindon since the infamous riot in which 5 Alderley players were shot by Swindon's goalkeeper Brian Tershaw who was later jailed for petty theft.

Swindon fans went into mourning for weeks after and the brunel centre grinded to a standstill as fans declared themselves "too depressed to shop".   Many fans were driven close to sucicde.

Swindon's season never really recovered from the sledgehammer in the bollocks that was Opara leaving and the club shop reported a 98% decline in shirt sales.

Swindon fans will doubtless be hoping that an Opara replacement will be found sooner rather than later.

(For the Town Legends section).

I KISS YOU!

"armadillo on speed"

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick

This fake player profiles rule!!  So that's Duke, Opara, Hewlett and Parkin covered so far.  Good work BWB!!

Ben, great post.

Brian "The Weighty Winger" Howard joined the club back in July 2003, after turning down a contract from Chelsea much like Lloyd "the ledge" Opara.

He was an instant hit with the fans who loved his no nonsense style, hard graft and determination when faced with massive queues for a burger under the Arkells stand.

His teamwork was such that he would often help the semi retarded staff hand out burgers, pies and bovril  to the awaiting crowds, even at one atage sacrificing himself for the common good and giving the last steak and onion slice to a young boy named Timmy O'Toole.

Young Timmy went on to become the founder member of the Brian Howard fan club, and 6 months after his catering debut he made his first start for the mighty Swindon Town.

The remainder of the season was an up and down afair for Brian, scoring several vital goals but also being banned for 7 games by the FA for butt fucking Sammy Igoe near the town end after a particulally sexy short corner routine.

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW.....................

"being banned for 7 games by the FA for butt fucking Sammy Igoe near the town end"

Class, sadly I can imagine that happening.

The buttfucking or the ban?

SY if my kids are anything to go by you do less at College than iwhat you do now.

  Is your mate a fan of the legendary Septimus Atterbury....see we need a player profile for this stuff ( look on ST-F-C)

heh, no he's not although I remind him quite often.

I would have loved this 18 months ago  :cry:

FAKE PLAYER PROFILES WINS MY VOTE!

Mmm this could all go wrong if Sonic gets a girlfriend :o

Not much chance there  8)

We should have a fake forum members profiles section

sorry thats poorly worded. unless you want to make up fake members. fake profiles for forum members

or real profiles for real forum members.....simon pieman, a real gayer was born....

Jon Stevenson - Jon was one of the unsung heroes at the county ground and doesn't recieve the recognition he deserves for his achievement of almost single handedly guiding Swindon to the playoffs in his first full season at the club.

With his premiership quality performances Stevenson was a rock in the Swindon attack, despite only starting one game the facts speak for themselves.

2002/2003 - No Stevenson No Playoffs
2003/2004 - Stevenson = Playoffs
2004/2005 - No Stevenson No Playoffs

A coincidence? I don't believe in them.

It's a remarkable record and all Swindon fans should be grateful, Jon we miss you! Rumours of a return this January proved to be greatly exaggerated which was hugely disappointing for many fans.

Sonic... Am journalist for a living, and am more than happy to offer whatever help I can.

Who do you write for then Mr K?

Aunty Beeb - I actually used to read the sport on Wiltshire Sound quite a few years ago ...

Ooooooooooooooooooh :jaw1

You must be the nearest thing we have to a famous person on this forum!

Haha ... I even did the PA for a while too.  Think it was only about two thirds of a season ... But at least they're still using Ready To Go, which I started ..

Chris K, I'm not going to be able to read your posts without imagining you saying it in a cheesy local radio / smashy & nicey voice now  :D

You bastard! I'll never forgive you for this  :x

cheers for the offer ;)

Out of interest, is Septimus a football fan? If so who does he support?

Nah, he isn't.

Hahaha ... personally, I'd have changed it by now had I been up in the PA box ... It worked at the time.  And I wouldn't be called Sammy Igoe the "showman" either.

Not 'alf.

another profile...

MATT HEYWOOD

when scientists discovered an ancient time machine at avebury they were amazed to find it still in working order, and after a quick test run they were even more surprised when a 7ft neanderthal figure popped out!

after running endless tests they soon realised he had no value to humanity whatsoever, so they decided to release the man-beast into the unsuspecting public, but to do it discreetly they needed to give him a profession to blend in to society.

luckily the local football manager was a bit of a retard and was desperate for new players, so the scientists told him a story of how this man - later to be renamed matt heywood - could play football. andy king was so impressed by the beast's physical presence & uncanny ability to headbutt anything thrown at him that he put him straight into the starting line-up.

mr. heywood can still be seen performing his ball heading skills at the county ground to this very day

Manager Profile:

STEVE MCMAHON.

Despite early success Steve McMahon stay at the County Ground was marred with controversy when it turned out he was not trying to build a football team, but create the genetic base for an army of evil henchmen.

By the end of his second term in charge, viloent crime and petty theft in the Swindon area was up 3000%. An investigation was called when he fielded two Darren Bullocks in midfield, with three Lee Colins' on the bench. McMahon was jailed for 5 months for possesion of an army with out a license, with another 3 months suspended sentence for conducting illegal genetic experiments.

Unfortunately for the club there was still fallout to come. Allready languishing at the foot of the table, the club were left with a massive squad of clones. The wage bill was huge, and nearly bankrupted the club in the years to come

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick

:soapy tit wank: Thats the sort of thing we want.

quite fanzine'esqe

Im going to do a pub guide,it will become incredibly famous worldwide and every time i walk into a pub landlords will quake in their boots and give me free stuff 8)

These fake profiles are superb. Keep 'em coming!

David Duke.

Defender

Very good reeves :)

Bit long this one, got a bit carried away...........

STEFANI MIGLIORANZI:

One of the best examples of manager Andy King's ability to wheel and deal in the transfer market, Miglioranzi was signed from a bloke he met in the pub at the cost of 3 ciggarettes and a slightly out of fous nude picture of Kings wife.

Stefani became a firm fan favorite and a key member of the Swindon midfield, but his time at the club was doomed to end unhappily. The downward spiral started when an adver photographer caught him sleeping with a prostitute. Under a lot of pressure stories of his cocaine addiction soon followed.

Sacked by the club, his family and friends having left him, with no money, and little prospect of another team taking a chance on him, things had hit rock bottom. Miglioranzi was left homeless, wandering the streets of old town.

Fortunately his story doesn't end with a lonely death in the Wood Street gutter. After a fifteen year old school girl chucked him a few quid while he was begging on the streets, she soon discovered that a herpes had strangley cleared up. The church declared it a miricle and Stefani soon found himself St. Miglioranzi.

The queues to donate money became endless, but instead of taking advantage of his luck, St. Miglioranzi took it upon himself to join the priesthood as a way of showing his devotion to the got which had helped when he was down on his luck. Within 5 years he was named Pope Princess Diana II, a role in which he bacame famous in the catholic church for his leniant views on abortion and contraception.

ERIC " MASTER-CHEF" SABIN:

Eric Sabin's career as a top t.v. chef was cut short by a horrific kitchen accident that left the world in shock. Doctors said it was a miracle how fellow chef Anthony Worrell Thompson had pulled out Eric from the firery bellows of the kitchen. With his career in tatters, Eric almost took his own life. However a man named Andy King (who later became St. Andy - Provider of Jobs) took pity on Eric and rescued him from his nightmare.

It soon became apparent that Eric's abilities as a chef were useful on the pitch at Swindon. His speed at slicing open a defence was "the quickest outside the Premiership," and Eric soon became the topic of great discussion all over the world. The icing on Eric's cake was being named World Player of the Year, just three years after his suicide attempt.

Eric never fully recovered from the shock of losing his career as a master-chef and soon became tired with his mundane job in football. Although many of his colleagues turned to cocaine and alcohol to sooth their hurts, Eric decided their was a huge gap in his life, and helping others became his 'high' - teaching less fortunate kids how to cook.

Eric's current whereabouts are not known, many hypothesising that he moved to Northampton, others say he became a monk and resides in Tibet. Wherever he may be, Eric Sabin touched the hearts of many and will always be watching over the good people of Swindon.

Sonic, have you seen phpnuke? can be intergrated with the phpbb and then you can link the members to the website might be worth a gander if your mate doesn't come up with the goods

Yeah mate, seen a few websites with it. It's quite handy and functional but wasn't very customisable last time I looked. I also find it tends to look half-arsed and lazy whereas if my mate is willing to knock us up a quality design for nothing (except maybe a bottle of tequila, hohoho) then we're sorted I reckon  8)

Jason Drysdale - After the departure of the great Pharoahe Fjortoft iin the 1994/1995 season a gaping chasm was left in the Swindon side. Boss "Slaphead Steve" Mcmahon was left the job of filling this gap akin to trying to fill the grand canyon with polyfilla.

Against all the odds Mcmahon pulled it off signing the masterful Jason "Dangerous Drysdale" so called for his tough-tackling no nonsense style. Drysdale provided the backbone for the Swindon defence and shored it up so well that the side that had conceded 100 goals just the season before did not concede a single goal for the rest of the season.

The next season Drysdale was ever present and captained the side which won the second division championship, which without him wouldn't have been possible, the club setting a new record with just 4 goals conceded all season and none at home.

When Jaunty Jason finally left at the end of the 1997/1998 season his replacement Jimmy Glass failed to appease the fans who hounded Mcmahon out immediately and forced him to resign at gunpoint.

Swindon were relegated soon after.

Nice one BWB!  :o

Drysdale's real profile would be close to unbelievable anyway.

Activated SEPTiMUS, appologies for the delay.

Jason's nickname amongst the players was Lord Lucan....I once got to go in the changing room before kick off,  it was youth coach Tommy Wheeldon doing the formalities, who introduced me to Lord Lucan...not Jason Drysdale (he wasn't playing)

 :)  That's pretty good for footballers.


RHYS EVANS

Born in a Park North dustbin at the age of 12, Rhys was always destined to become a Swindon legend.  Perenially unpopular at school because of his stupid Welsh name, Rhys got his big break when he was made keeper of the school team due to the absense of a fat kid.

He moved to a bin in Knightsbridge after leaving school and was spotted by Ken Bates who was looking in the bin for Leeds United(he eventually found them some years later).  A transfer to Swindon came about a couple of years later after many at the club felt Rhys might intimidate incoming keeper Peter Cech.

Evans officially became a Swindon legend in the 2005/6 season, when he saved 9 penalties in one match(including 3 for his own team.  Also owner of the World's most powerful kick, Rhys would sometimes kick the ball the whole way around the planet in the blink of an eye, and in fact only appearing to spoon the ball out of touch/to an opposing foward.

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick

Superb!

Had me in stiches that bit   :o

Luc Nijholt.

Luc. a Dutch Dolf Lundgren porn star lookalike, was spotted by then Swindon manager John Gorman whilst looking through his friend, and ex-colleague, Glenn Hoddle's porn collection.

Knowing of Glenn's faith, John was a little shocked to discover said collection, but none the less felt it would be wrong to not compare facial hair with the stars of the collection, and his own moustachioed self.

While enjoying taking notes on grooming from the hairy germans starring in the videos, John noticed a curious looking fellow, going by his porn name of 'Clint Morgan'.  Now John had never seen such a fellow in Glenn's collection before, you see 'Clint' had no facial hair whatsoever.

Taking an interest in this anomoly, John did some detective work.  While rooting around John found that 'Clint's' real name was in fact Luc Nijholt.  Now John was uncomfortable with the lack of hair on Luc's face, and flew to Holland to offer advice growing a fine moustach.

Upon his arrival at one of Luc's video shoots Luc spotted John and rushed over  completely naked (Sonic can describe that) and told John he couldn't believe he was here.  Apparently Luc had long been an admirer of John's upper lip hair, and undoubted, yet un-tried, managerial capabilities.

Luc told John that he once played a game of football and enjoyed it very much, and would relish the opportunity of a career change, partly motivated by the lack of hair on his face holding him back in his current job.

John imediately took pity on Luc and offered him a starting place in Swindon's midfield for their following, historic season in the Premiership.

Oddly Luc proved an instant hit at the County Ground, and went on to win many plaudits in the game, helping the Robins to concede exactly 100 goals in his first season, Luc sadly disappeared never to be seen again.

Some say he returned to his roots in porn, others claim he went on to run Holland's most successfull ever Moustache grooming salon, while most accept that Luc simply faded into obscurity, a pale shadow of his former self.  Sadened by his chance meeting with hero, and ultimately underinspiring, John Gorman, who many feel ruined his career, Luc has never to this day been seen in public.

Jan Aage Fjortoft.


Norwegian forward Jan is thought to be the only footballer in history to have believed himself to be an aeroplane.  Phyciatric problems aside, he is fondly remembered by all Swindon fans who saw him play.

Signed by John Gorman from Rapid Vienna after he had heard an Ultravox song on the radio, Fjortoft became an instant hero at The County Ground by failing to register a goal for half a season.  Unfortunately he scored in an FA cup replay at Portman Road, and continued in this vain for the rest of the season and into the next, scoring goal after goal including an awful effort against Millwall from 30 yards.

Luckily for Swindon they now had a manager who knew staying up wasn't about scoring goals, but about filling your team with skinheads, and Jan was shipped for a wildly inflated figure of £1.3 million, much to the joy of Town fans.

He was last seen sitting in a puddle in Faringdon Park, claiming it to be a fjord.

fucking quality amir  :D

David Duke


It is a little known fact that the film 'Braveheart' is loosely based on our very own David, but the American producers typically chose to reinvent history and turn Duke into a 13th century warrior.

Duke invaded England in the summer of 2000, slaughtering the population of Berwick on route before finally coming to rest in Swindon, whereupon he immediately installed himself as Town's top defender.  His habit of painting himself blue and charging naked at opposing players at first caused some distress for the clubs management, but he has since been persuaded to limit this to times when the away strip is being worn.

A tough tacking utility player, if there is a 50/50 ball anywhere on the pitch, he won't win it.  60/40 though.........well........70/30 and he's got a chance.......a slim chance.  Famed for his long throws and being able to jockey a player from one end of the pitch to the other, Duke is still in the team to this day, and probably always will be seeing as no one has the bottle to ask him to leave.

:soapy tit wank:  nice work!

Is that the lighthouse at Coate water?

Smeeton's Tower is very similar to the Pharos in Alexandra Road.....

    http://www.jasperfforde.com/swindon/7ws_4.html

    Incidentally Fforde is doing a couple of shows in September in Swindon.

Cracking!

LEE COLLINS

A tremendous signing in the 74/75 season, Lee dominated the town midfield for over a decade and his presence was always felt in the battling town side of the era.
It soon became clear that Lee would be a fans favourite with has lack of fitness and intelligence, and his ability to hit the Stratton Bank clock with every shot, whether it be from six yards out or from Old Town.

Lee moved on to better things after his time at Swindon, as he joined the mighhty  FA Cup Finalists Blackpool. He then won the FA Cup with his new club in 5 consecutive seasons before deciding he was beyond them, joining some crap team who nobody has ever heard of where he ceases to exist to this very day.

Sounds a good idea to me, I'm always left looking for a bit more on players etc. on the match reports on the thisis site.

Duncan Shearer - Duncan was Raised in a small farmhouse in the Scottish outback some time after the war. Being Scottish Duncan had never even heard of football until one fateful day in 1972 when he set out to find his fortune, deciding to make the trip south of the border into England. Having once driven a honda civic it was Duncan's ambition to work at the great Honda plant in Swindon.

Duncan settled into life in Swindon well, making money he'd never dreamt of, selfless Duncan sent much of this money home to care for his own family and 5,000 of his neighbours in third world scotland.

One day Duncan joined in with a kickabout at Honda and picked the game up remarkably well. Swindon scout Alan Gabalan was present on that fateful day and promptly offered Duncan a five year contract at Swindon. Duncan jumped at the chance and became ever present at Swindon, he was top scorer seven seasons running scoring over 500 goals until just a few games before the end of one successful season he suddenly disappeared during a pre-match warmup causing Swindon's playoff campaign to collapse.

Nothing has been seen of Duncan since with rumours at the time speculating he was kidnapped by the haggia - the scottish branch of the mafia, who felt he could be of use in football related crimes.

Duncan's brother Alan is believed to be still plying his trade at one of the unfashionable northern teams.

Brian Kilcline.

Whilst trudging the depths of the Brazillian rainforests in the summer of '93 two British back-packers (psychologists by trade) stumbled across a plane wreck.

Being of inquisitive nature the two Brits surveyed the area for any sign of survivours, and/or myserious treasure.  During their searching they discovered a log which provided them with the following information, the plane had been on a journey from New York to Rio in the summer of '67.  The plane had, they assumed, come down in a monsoon.

The wreck showed little sign of possible survival, which saddened the pair of intrepid explorers.  Tired from their hike, and searching of the wreck they decided to use the plane for shelter and settled for the night.

Morning came and the pair were awoken by what seemed to be a set of twins, human so far as they could tell - but barely.

The pair gasped in amazement, and to some degree terror.  One of the twins was able to speak basic English though and told how the plane came down in a storm all those years ago.  It became apparent that the twins had been self-sufficient in the forrest for the past 26 years, seeing no evidence of human life anywhere until now.

The two back-packers naturally feeling very sorry for the twins decided to help.  

Tradegy struck though when one of the twins was kidnapped while the group were hiking back to civilisation.  The kidnappers seemed to be bounty-hunters and spotted the monetary value in the beast-like human they had captured.

Undeterred the remaining three made it back to England and the remaining twin was given the name Brian Kilcline.  Brian quickley took to the game of football and was signed on a free half way through Swindon Town's first season in the Premiership.  Brian slotted easily into the back four and somehow staved off relegation.

Brian's twin though was less fortunate, the bounty-hunters found no buyer for their prize, and forced him into fighting in tournaments throughout the world.  He was given the name 'Blanca' and can actually be found within a popular computer game 'Street Fighter'.

Brian, never comfortable with the creature comforts of the populised world lived on a barge, and in order to make sure the barge never srayed from its mooring he used his hair making sure he was always attached to his home, no matter how far from the canals.  

Brian can still be found on his barge scavenging around the many canal side pubs throughout the UK.

Blanca has recently retired from fighting, and actually now lives in great comfort due to the royalties form the Street Fighter series.

Matt Hewlett


Many Town fan's were desperately sad to see him leave at the end of the 04/05 season, with Matty finally set to make the step up to the big time, touted as the man to partner the inferior Frank Lampard at the heart of the Chelsea midfield. His super duper contract commanding £5 million a week at Chelsea will be seen to be deserved by Swindon fans, who saw the move as inevitable.

Matt will always go down in Swindon history after slamming the ball into Oxford United's goal at the Kassam (despite the fact the game was being played at the County Ground), just one example of the legacy that was Hewletts shooting forte.

Never popular with the manager, "Hullit" was always made to work very hard for his place, much to the disgust of many Town fans. Matty's form dipped after best pal Andy Gurney left the CG, amid wild speculation that Matty had run over Andy's hamster. Losing the captaincy soon after, Hewlett clearly got the spark he needed, firing the Town up the league with a series of brilliant solo efforts.

Jerel Ifil was born in a slum, in the English region formerly known as London, or Hartlepool as it is now known due to the continous growth of the North-East, but that's another story.

Jerel was captured one day in the local park by bee-keeper Sir Elton John, and was rapidly whipped off to Elton's humble abode where he was sexually abused, before Sir Elton decided he could not afford to lose his latest asset, thus signing him up for the local boy's football team, Watford FC, who now cease to exist after they spent every last penny on World-Class striker Sam Parkin, who's career ended just 3 minutes later as he broke both legs in a strong wind.

Jerel searched high and low for a new club and fell onto a train at Paddington station, bound for Swindon where he was thrown off for not having a ticket. He was taken in by a poor man who lived behind the dog compound, and eventually found employment, again at a football club.

Due to Jerel's upbringing he was very quick and strong, qualities necessary for survival in the capital city. These attributes made up for his lack of control of a football, and although he could not head a ball, pass a ball or hit a ball in generally the right direction he turned out to be a revelation in the Swindon defence. Making over 3000 appearances for the club in just 8 years Jerel had a glittering career, scoring over 800 goals, 7 of them at the right end.

Ifil eventually left the Town after the ridiculously biased and single-minded council decided that Swindon were no longer allowed any blacks, gays or men in their football team. Jerel fitting into atleast two of these categories was left to roam the plant and is now believed to be living in a small place known as Russia, just off Weston.

I would be happy to lend my services and write plenty of shit about football

Feel free. That's all we EVER do!