Thetownend.com

Cheer me up you lot.

Here's one to get you started:

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?





































Tell them asylum seekers kill paedophiles.

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest,"Father, it has been one month since my last confession.
 
I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
 
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
 I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks,”Who is "Fannie Green?"
 
A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
 
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the  church.
 
All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.  Her dress is green and very short,  with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
 
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in sits with her legs
slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, ”Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies;
 "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

I love this joke and have a feeling it may have originally been told on this very forum. Either that or a i made it up myself. Certainly modified it, because i'm not sure how it went, just the punch line.

There's a man and a woman stood in a queue at the supermarket and the man watches the lady loading her shopping onto the conveyor belt: 1 frozen meal, a bottle of wine, 1 packet of pasta, 1 can of baked beans, 1 small pudding, 1 pot noodle,  1 pizza...

She catches his eye and then looks down to his shopping where she sees, A slab of stella and a pizza. She glances up again and says smiling, "You live alone?"

He feels a touch of embarrassment and says, "Yes, how did you know?"

She replies, "Well i noticed your shopping and realised you must be single."

"I see. I can tell you're single as well." says the man.

With a warm coy smile the lady says "That's right, however did you know?"

"Because you're minging." Answers the man.

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: