Thetownend.com

Freds report on last night

Venue : Bar Kick, Shoreditch (Crack Den, Shite Hole, Prozzies Hang out)

Cast :

STFC : Fred - Swindon
BRFC : Hazel - London
CTFC : Leo - Near Oxford
BCFC : Not that interested so dont recall his name - Norwich

This is going to be hard trying to precis a 3 hour interview, but will give you the salient points.

Turns up at 18.55

Fred : Awright gashead

BR : Awright Swindle

Fred : Where's the rest ?

BR : Cheltnums downstairs

Fred : Shitty ?

BR : Late

Fred : Yeah, I heard they always come last

Everybody turns up eventually

Fred : So where you lot from then ?

BR : Laaaaaandaaaaannn

BC : Norwich my lovely

CT : Near Oxford

Fred :  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: Fucking Plastics

BC : Not, Im still a Season Ticket holder

Fred : Mug

Interviewer : Shall we go downstairs where it is a little quieter so I can tape

Fred : Whatever !


Question 1

So, out of the four of you who are your main rivals ?

Fred : None of these lot really, our main rivals are Oxford, but thats inconsequential now because they are no longer a football league club and they are playing the likes of Salisbury and Histon. "Thanks Jim"

BC : Dont know really but Plymuff and the Taffs hate us

BR : ERRRRRRRRRRMMMM ??????????

CT : We love everyone and everyone loves us


Question 2

How would each of you sum up last season ?

Fred : Typical Swindon really, start ok and full of promise, then get fucked over by the board and Ken Bates, struggle for a while, then make the easiest of jobs hard work and leave things to the last minute.

BR : Unbelievable and unexpected

BC : What can I say - we deserve it

Fred : Fuck off do you !

CT : Grateful to finish in 17th place

Fred :  :D


Question 3

So what are your realistic aspirations each of you for next season ?

Fred : There is a lot of optimism on the Townend.com and my mate DV reckons we will challenge for a play off spot, but I am a lot more pragmatic and realistic and I hope that with the squad the manager can pull together with the finances open to him we can consolidate. 17th would see me a happy man. Staying in the division is paramount.

BR : Consolidation definately

BC : Top half realistically

Fred :  :mrgreen:

CT : 17th would be ace


Question 4

So you and Cheltenham see yourselves in a relegation scrap then ?

Fred : No.................Cheltenham are going down (in a Clubber Lang voice)

CT : It will be close, Swindon have not got the financial nous to keep afloat and consolidate in this league.

Fred :  :fu:


Qusetion 5 :

So who out of the 4 of you would you say is the bigger club ?

Fred : (1st to pipe up) no contest....us of course !

BR : errrrrrrrrrmmmmmm

BC : Its got to be us...................look at the league we are in

Fred : Thats bollocks, you always have thought you are bigger than what you are !

BC : We are a City, Look at our potential fan base !

Fred : Yes, a shitty that shares with annother club, pulls fans from the city for Bristol Rugby and Bath Rugby, you are predominantly a rugby town.

CT : BC are a bigger club because they have a better stadium and are financially viable.

Fred : FFS shut up ! Franchise have got a magnificent new stadium that will host 4000 fans everyother week in league 2, does that make them a bigger club than STFC ?. You are financially viable, but no fucking way are you a bigger club. Its all about history and heritage. That's were you are all wrong, its all about history and heritage. We have been there, done it, won the League Cup, what have you done ? Shitty have to reinvent themselves and ask for certain players to fall on their swords. Your opinion does not wash its face.



Interviewer : Bar break and we will take some shots

Fred : Oh ace ! The camera loves me darling !



PART 2 TO FOLLOW

superb  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:
What a hero you are Fred,good job  :D

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Fred will you sign my copy of 442 :wink:

Thats about 20% of it

will post the rest later tonight after I have had something to eat

48 hrs without food IS NOT GOOD !

I have been horribly mis-quoted....I said a top half finish  :mrgreen:

What a load of utter bullshit

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Brilliant - you'll piss off so many City fans who read it.

 :D

quality  - do you know which issue this will be in Fred?

That is entirely genius. Can't believe Shitty fans, completely deluded.

The Cheltenham fan sounds a bit of a twat, but then they are really a non-league club and most of their fans also support Prem clubs

Are they implying we're not financially 'viable'?  :mrgreen:

How many pints were sunk before this interview then Fred?  :mrgreen:

Oh and you should have that cheque early next week mate.

Its in the "pre Season" issue, branded September, but will be out early August

The bar never sold pints, much to my dismay

Had about 4/5 bottles of Sol

WILL TRY AND POST THE REST OF THIS TONIGHT

Thats funny as hell, good stuff fred made me chuckle out loud!

good work Fred, good craic?

Yes it was a top night Juddie

Thankyou for arranging it

Hoxton ok fred?

Posh

Room 119?!

Not if he was paying himself!

Freds update Part 2

So, we come back from having a beer and some photo’s taken and it roughly goes like this ;

Question :

How would you quantify your managers influences on last seasons performance ?

BR : Trollope is a good young manager and the mix of having a Director of Football is certainly working for us.

BC : Felt sorry for Tinnion when he went but Johnson is doing a superb job and does not suffer fools glady. The first thing he did was to get rid of Stewart that broke the back of the player power that was strangling the dressing room.

CT : Difficult as no players want to come to us through lack of money

Fred : We went on an amazing unbeaten run at the start of the season under Dennis and Gus, where fitness and strong defence were priorities and the amount of times that we one the game in the final ten minutes was testament to that. Sturrock was different and likes pacey wingers who can deliver quality into the box. That was his game plan and he stuck to it. Unfortunately we had players that either could not grasp that concept or did not have the ability to hit a cows ass with a banjo. That is where we struggled. However I am 100% confident that when Sturrock gets his players then we will see that working.


Question :

How much influence does the off field management of your club affect the performances on the pitch ?

BC : We are very lucky to have a structure and sponsor that allow us to go and get the players that Gary wants within reason.

BR : I hate our board, we have had about £3 mill of unexpected income into the club and yet we cant afford many new signings. Where has it all gone ?

CT : We cant get players to sign for us because we cant afford the wage demands – it really is a struggle.

Fred :  OK………We are in our second period of administration and FL rules wont allow a third. We entered into a CVA in 2002 with annual payments to creditors of £98k and a final bullet payment of £900k. Historically we have always late in paying the annual £98k and the final bullet payment of £900k is due this Friday. The board have stated that they have not got the resources to pay it. A consortium was formed in September 2006 with a remit to secure funding to take over the club and make sure that all liabilities were met, including the CVA.

This was achieved and since that time the board will not enter into a NDA in order for due diligence to be carried out on the accounts.

Interviewer :  Why is that ?

Fred : Draw your own conclusions. All I know that come Monday morning a creditor will be in a position to issue a winding up petition. Quite frankly its not good news.

Interviewer :  Are you blaming the directors for this mess ?

Fred : Too fucking true ! As BR state we have had over £4m in unbudgeted income over the last 16 months and yet we cannot pay £900k this Friday to keep the club afloat. I mean……………..where the fuck has it all gone ??????

Interviewer : But aren’t there rules in place over the credentials of Board Directors ?

Fred :  Yes there are, they must meet criteria laid down  for “fit and proper persons” to become a Director, and I am sure that all our Directors met those requirements when they were installed. However there are other internal influences within a club that may give advice to the board and the board then act on that advice. Those internal influence do not need to meet any criteria laid down by the FL and in all honesty its fucking wrong !

Interviewer : Is that what has happened at Swindon ?

Fred :  Im sure that it happens at a lot of clubs


PART 3 LATER

Fred goes political, nice!

Top notch Fred this is great reading I look forward to part 3 later  :D

Who needs neighbours when you've got this!  :D

iLL TRY AND GET IT UP THIS AFTERNOON IF THE PHONE STOPS FUCKING RINGING

Forward it to voice mail you fucking bopard  :wink:

Quality Fred. Would be nice if that made it to print!

I so hope it does

Lisa home then Fred?? :wink:  :wink:

Freds update Part 3

So after another couple of bottles of Sol and a game of table footie we get back down to business

Question :

So in light of the comments from all of you prior to the break, should the FL put there hands in their pockets to help out failing clubs ?

BR : They should be doing something

BC :  Good idea but the criteria must be stringent

CT :  Great idea

Fred : Disagree entirely !

Look at it this way, your club is in the shit and hours from closing. You have been in a CVA that you cant afford. Now look at the reasons why you are in Administration in the first place………..Yes that right ……….the board fucked it up through financial mismanagement.

Why would the FL give a grant or a loan to these people only to see it vanish into a fucking huge black hole………………..it just wont work !!!

Interviewer : Suggestions ?

Fred : Hows this……………….as soon as a club enters administration, it gets handed assistance from a FL financial champion who will hold the clubs hand through the administration period.

His duty would be to examine the financial running of the club to unearth the reason why the club is in the state that it is in. He will have carte blanche powers to implement his recommendations of the financial structure of the club to ensure that the club comes out of the administration period stronger and having learnt from its mistakes. His recommendations MUST be followed to the letter, and if he unearths any wrong doing or gross negligence then he has the power to recommend to the FL that the clubs continuing registration is dependant on the removal of these people from football in general.

Interviewer : Interesting and radical

Fred : Something has to be fucking done !!!! Look at the amount of clubs in administration and the effect that it has on the fans who pay out hard earned money……………Its just not fucking right I tell you.

Boards of football clubs need to spend time doing community service I say, they need to get back to grass roots and communicate with the fans who pay the fucking wages. That is why that Supporters Trusts are the way forward, fan representation at boardroom level is an absolute must

BR : Agreed 100%


Question :

Tell me about this groundshare business

Fred :   :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

BC :   :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

BR :  We are getting a nice shiney new stadium

Fred : Got to be better than the fucking tent that I watched the game in last year  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

BR : We needed to relocate somewhere local for the period of the construction and it boiled down to either CT or ST, and ST didn’t want us

Interviewer : Why was that ?

Fred : It would be fucking carnage ! there have been three separate occasions over the last 14 months of Gasheads causing trouble.

Our board would have fucking loved it purely from the financial point of view, but the fans and the local residents went like “fuck this, we’re not fucking standing for this” and started campaigning though the local media and writing e mails and letters to the club.

Imagine it …………….Gasheads in the County Ground Hotel every other week ?

NO FUCKING WAY !!!!

Imagine it ……………………Swindon playing the away fixture against Rovers at the County Ground and the TownEnd is full of blue and white

NO FUCKING WAY !!!!!!!

This was pure fan power that stopped this and quite fucking right, we made the board do a U turn and they ended up looking right knobs.

Rovers are now sharing with CT

(turning to CT)  Sorry mate  :D  :wink:

CT :  Nobody consulted with our fans, but the money would be welcome

Fred : They will fucking wreck the place mate

BR : Oh come on we are not that bad !!!

Fred : Fucking tell that to the group of innocent people that were attacked at the Inn on the Green, or the Landlord of the Queens Tap who had all his windows put through when Rovers weren’t even playing in Swindon.

CT : Bloody Hell !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


BEER BREAK

Absolute quality Fred

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Someone get me a copy of this issue and mail it on. I'll pay whatever it costs, somehow!

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: This is a masterpiece it truly is.

:mrgreen:

4th and last part will be posted tonight

I must get some work done

You must have had a good 16 bottles by the time the interview finished.  :soapy tit wank:

Fred, I fucking love you! Remind us when this issue comes out i will definately buy even though I don't normally

1st week of August

The guy was saying that because it is the first one of the new season the reading figures are up 30% for that issue


 :mrgreen:

Fred you owned that interview... Legend!

Well I don't suppose it's an exact transcript :roll:

I suspect the other guys a bit more to say than that!

Nonetheless, top work Mr Elliott 8)

I've been in meetings with Fred - I'm surprised they managed to get that much in  :D

dissapointed with the lack of TEFisms...no bopard or GRID yet?>

Freds update part 4 (final part)

So after another beer and another game of table footie we wind up like this


Question

So how are the squads looking for this season then ?

BR : Nothing much as yet on the transfer front

BC : Its going to be exciting times that’s for sure

CT : Nothing new at all, and we have probably lost our two best players

Fred : soapy tit wank

Fred : We have shipped out some deadwood and I completely agree with the players that have gone, they either did not fit the Sturrock mould or were just basically shit.

Some of the ones that have gone even had contract extension triggers in their original contracts that they could have exercised, but Sturrock basically said “you’ve got no future here Sonny, go and find yourself another club” – Ace !

The signings that we have made appear solid on paper and have all been connected with Sturrock in the past, so as I have said before I will trust his judgement.

Interviewer : Hold on a minute, you cant pay £900k this Friday to keep the club in existence, but you are signing players ?

Fred : Fucking tell me about it !, although without knowing how the deals are constructed it would be wrong of me to comment. BUT get this……………We have booked a pre season tour of fucking Austria !!!!!!!!!!

Interviewer : Shrug

BC : Shrug

CT : Shrug

BR : Shrug

Fred : I think Sturrock likes “The Sound of Music”, in all seriousness though, it’s a fucking disgrace. OK if they announce that new investment has come in to pay the CVA and fund the tour then fair play, but there has been no announcement to that effect.

Quite understandably, the fans are fucked off with it all, and what would you think if you were a creditor of the CVA and you have written off possibly over 70% of the original debt, to hear that the club possibly want to renegotiate the terms of the CVA to give them more time to pay, when they are buying players and off on a jolly to Austria for a week.

If we had our way they would be spending pre season on Salisbury plain in fucking tents.

But this is the way the board treats us, with complete and utter disdain.


Question :

So do you think this will be a yo-yo season for you ?

Fred : Don’t talk to me about going up then straight back down, 1994 still hurts

BC : soapy tit wank

BR : soapy tit wank

Fred : FU

Interviewer : Yes tell us about that period

Fred : Of course I will being as I am the only one of us that can talk about the Premiership.

OK, Glenn and John did a sterling job for us guiding us through the playoffs and that day at Wembley will stay with me forever, but even before the champagne had lost its bubbles there was talk that both of them had been approached by MasterBates to take charge at Chelsea.

Sure enough, during the close season Glenn announced that he had accepted the position at CFC.

An emergency board meeting took place and the job of manager was offered to Gorman.

Gorman accepted, and I for one was surprised as him and Glenn were inseparable, a bit like Lou and Andy.

Don’t get me wrong, Gorman is a top bloke but was a number 2, had always been a number two and I think the decision to appoint him was based on sentiment rather than experience. After the financial windfall of getting to the promised land we should have gone for an experienced good 1st div manager.

As it happened we got a really likeable guy, that when the shit was hitting the fan during games did not have the technical experience to motivate and shake things up tactically to scrape draws instead of defeats.

We signed some average players on long contracts and Premiership wages. When we got relegated we still had those players on the books with the exsisting wage structure, and some players thought “fuck me this is ace, I am playing 1st Div football and getting paid Premiership wages. The wage budget and length of contracts meant that

a)   we could not ship the wasters out
b)   we could not bring in the type of players to get us back up

And that was the start of the downward spiral that see us at the arse end of the FL last season.

I never ever want to fucking go back there again.

Interviewer :  Thanks for that, ok one last question…….

Question :

Do you have any favourite songs that you sing to each other at derbies ?

BC :  Drink up ye Zider

Fred :  Fucking Wurzel, that’s even worse than naming a stand after Fred Fucking Wedlock !

CT : Errrrrmmmmm, no not really

Fred (looking at the BR fan) : Do us a favour love……………stop singing “goodnight Irene”, its fucking pathetic and seriously gets on my tits !!

BR:  I like it and its heritage and tradition

Fred : No its not …………its fucking shit and means fuck all

Fred : We do have songs that we sing to the opposing fans, but our best ones are aimed at ex players etc.

Interviewer : Such as ?

Fred : Launches into a rendition of

“when I was just a little boy
my granddad bought me a brand new toy

etc”

Insert Tommy Mooney or Sean O’Hanlon and you pretty much got it mate !

Interviwer : Ok that’s a good position to wrap it all up, thanks for coming but before you go could I just take a note of all your real names for the editorial section ?

BC : ******  ************

CT : Leo *********

BR : Hazell *********

Fred : Fred Elliot (which the guy writes down without even blinking)


 :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:  :mrgreen:



I have probably missed out loads, and I will be interested to see which parts actually go to press

:clap:

Fred old bean, I've had the week from hell, but these postings have just brightened up my week. Great work!

 :D  :D  :D

Just picked up an e mail from 4-4-2


Morning all,

Just a quick message to say thanks for last night, it was good fun and should make for great copy.

One problem I may have is that much of what I recorded last night is almost incomprehensible. Because of this, I may need a few additional quotes on certain topics we covered yesterday. If so, I’ll give everyone a call at some point in the next day or so. If this is going to be a problem – is anyone going on holiday – let me know and I’ll get a move on.

Cheers




I have replied........




Please feel free to call me anytime
 
Mobile : 07792 *******
Home : 01793 *******
 
It was great fun, I hope that some of the political stuff gets published as I think it is important to address issues that are not only going on in the lower leagues but also how the fans are getting the shitty end of the stick all the time.
 
I look forward to speaking to you soon
 
Kind regards
 
Fred Elliot



Ill have a chat with the guy and let you know how they are going to play it


Fred

Fred, you are a legend.

Do you think we could set up an online petition forcing the ertswhile Mr Tuck to change his name to Fred Elliot by deed poll?

Could we change his name without telling him? Nick a few electricity bills and bank statements from the bin and then send off the paperwork behind is back?

Dont even go there Ben

Used my CC to pay for a boat trip when on holiday in Spain in 2005, came back to a CC bill about 3 months later for £12,000.

I had to go to court last year to get it expunged, the CC company tried to get a charge over my house and everything

All sorted now, and I got awarded costs and everything.

Hence I no longer have a CC

ID theft is not good peeps

Yeah but friendly fun identity theft is all a good jest Andy, or do I mean Fred? oooooooh.

You're spot on there again Fred!!  Not quite identity theft but I had two savings accounts and a current account stripped last year thanks to a hacker on-line.  Halifax Bank plc re-paid all the money within 7 days.  They also told me that all my money had been paid into a bank in Grimsby!!However, I had to report it to the police and I eventually got a reply that it was not the policy of Humberside Police to investigate such thefts!!  A letter to Michael Wills, MP and both Wiltshire Police and Humberside Police were forced into action.  Result was a young female was arrested in Cleethorpes, but she was not the hacker.  She was paid £50 to have the money go into her accouint and then take it out and pay the criminal.  She realised the seriousness and hadn't taken the money out so she was under pressure from this gange in Grimsby for "their" money.  I heard she was quite pleased to be arrested and sung like a baby.  It meant that Humberside Police not only had this one to sort, but also claims of money laundering, drug dealing, blackmail etc to sort.  A few people have now been taken off the strets I believe - and yet it is not their policy to investigate!

I know Ronnie

I could not even tackle the situation direct because it was a scam in Spain

This year the CC companies have really tightened up and good on them, but I had a year of hell and going to county court is not a nice experience.

Im glad its all over

:clap: An excellent interview top work Fred I will definitely be buying a copy one of my best reads in a long time  :D

I think they should have a monthly 'Fred Elliot column'...the man on the street tells it how he sees it....

This issue should be out in the next week.

Hopefully none of it has been edited...

BUMP

This is the real reason 442 is our new main sponsor... :D

I think Fred should have a monthly column in 442....or do at least a follow up story...

I can buy it - they essentially did those fan debates (which I believe they've stopped) as interviews for sponsorship and Fred nailed it.

Nice one Fred  :D