Thetownend.com

Fill your boots. I'll start, if I must...

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog".

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' Jammin

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a  great idea! I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008."

"Great, but how do you propose we go about that, asked Bill?

Well, Hillary responded, "we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a  Labrador Retriever.  When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle  America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living  there."

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction.

Eventually they  arrived at just the place they were looking for.

With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They stepped up to the bar, the bartender took a step back and said, " Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?"

Hillary answered, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you  have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we  stop and take in some local color."

They then ordered a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in.

He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its  tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out the door.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head  and then left the bar.

 Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually  Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over.

"Tell me," said Hillary, "why did all those old farmers come in and  look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the bartender. "It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two assholes!"

I'll tell you Village's joke, know you've heard it before,but its ace;
Whats the first sign of madness?



Suggs walking up your driveway.

What do pirate children learn at school?



The 3 AAAAAAAAAARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: I remember that, someone didn't get it and I had to explain it to them....... I think it was a drunken Sussex  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

How do you make a duck sing?

Put it in the microwave so its Bill Withers.

 :oops:

Double post

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

I remember that one from MK!  Great stuff.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottishman walk into a bar, the barman says "is this some kind of joke?"

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out", and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"

A faith healer goes to ireland to do a show and see if he can help.
He picks a man called peter with walking disabilities and tells him to stand behind the curtain,he then picks a man called john with a speach problem.

"Peter on the count of 3 throw away your crutches you will walk again" The man says..The crowd are going mad they are happy as pigs in shit

"right ladies and gentlemen,John will now speak to us then i will ask them both to come out here and you can see and hear for yourselves what a miracle this is.Again the crowd go mad

The shouts out "john speak to this crowd  " so john replies















































P-P-P PETERS FELL OVER

I've had a hair cut

 :shock:

Did you hear about the two lorries that crashed earlier? One was carrying loads of tortoises, the other carrying loads of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

Three Pregnant irish women are sat around knitting jumpers and discussing the iminent births. The first Irish women says, "I hope my baby is a boy, beause i have blue wool." The second remarks, "I hope mines a girl. I bought pink wool especially." The third looks down and says, "I hope mines a spastic cause I've fucked the arms up."

What's green and runs round your garden?


















A hedge.


Ahahhahhaha.

An man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "I'll have a pint please....and one for the road"

A brain walks into a bar and asks for a pint, and the barman says: "I'm not serving you, you're already out of your skull!"

A man walks into a bar carrying a set of jump leads. The barman says: "Get out, you look like you might start something"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

A seal walks into a club.....

Few favourites:

Two parrots sat on a perch. One says to the other "Can you Smell fish??".

Two Fish in a tank. One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing??"

Whats brown and sticky?
A: A Stick.


 :mrgreen:

what's yellow and smells like bananas?

monkey sick

What do you get if you sit under a cow?








A Pat on the head

What do you call a donkey with 1 eye and 3 legs?

A winkey wonkey

What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Pholoppe

Patient: Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a wigwam and a teepe.

Doctor: Calm down, you're too-ten(t)se.

Rubbish  :wink:

Jade Goody has been attacked in her home by an intruder with a large knife.

Police have arrested Shilpa's Mother..............Ma Shetty

Q: what do you find in a fairys condom?

A: fairy liquid

How do you get a fat woman into bed?































Piece of cake :D

The old uns are, um, old.....

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Two birds sitting on a perch, one says "can you smell fish?

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.

Whats black & white and eats like a horse?

A zebra!

The invisibile man marries the invisibile woman. The kids wernt much to look at either...

I'm sorry

What cracks when you fuck it?






A two year old's pelvis  :|

Walrus - you sick fuck.

Anyway, to resurrect this thread as I'm sure Birdy needs more material.

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.

St. Peter goes to the nuns and says, 'I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin.'

The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter. 'I once touched a man's penis with this finger.' St. Peter thought for a while and said, 'I'm sure it was in the line of duty. Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around.' She did as she was instructed and 'PING' she was in.

The second nun went to St. Peter and said, 'I once touched a man's genitals with my entire right hand.' Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, 'I'm sure it was within your duties. Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in.' The second nun did as she was instructed and 'PING' she was in.

All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun. St. Peter was really confused by this. 'How come you cut in front of this Sister?' The 4th nun replied, 'I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaks her ass in it!'

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% Of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12' Luxury Tax $300.00      
8 - 10' Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8' Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5' Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12' must file capital gains

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

why does tigger smell? because he plays with pooh!!  :mrgreen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd0faohCy64

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLUojV6saM0&mode=related&search=

 :D

A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband
"I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies... "Well your eyesight's spot on