Thetownend.com

...and only went and forgot me passport.  Got pulled over by two coppers on a tandem who looked a bit like the Chuckle Brothers.  They didn't speak english, but I managed to gather they were after a bribe to let my offence pass, so I delved into my ashtray to get some loose change.  Little did I know 2p is an average weekly wage in Calne, so the quid or so I gave them made their simple little faces light up :D

After this I had to stop at a shop to get some fags, even though you can only get Mayfair I was gasping.  Then to my suprise I was mobbed upon leaving the shop as I got out my zippo to light up :shock:   I seems Calnies still use a piece of flint and some belly button fluff.  After dazzling the ape-like creatures for a few minutes by flicking the top back and forth and showing them you could blow it without it going out, it was time to move on to the job in hand.

When I arrived at the clients 'house'(I was meant to be pricing up a paint job), I soon realised my first problem.  There was no house.  It seemed due to an unfortunate misunderstanding of the english language(amazingly these specimens spoke a little of the Queen's), they thought I could actually paint them a house.  What I can only loosely describe as the female of the two at this point started to cry.  The manbeast seeing this tried to comfort her with a bit of kissing and cuddling, at which time it dawned on me that it must be his sister or at least another close relative.  At this point I tried to make my excuses and leave, however it seemed they'd completely forgotten about me already and were hunting one of the many rats for tea.


It's safe to say I shan't be returning in a hurry :wink:

eh?

bee?




Nothing really, Jan.  Just being a tit.  Didn't sleep a wink last night, makes me go a bit strange like :)

go easy on the old drugs

pot kettle black

Andy King let me have some of his private stash.

sounds like Calne.  :P

I can't believe you mange to type so much crap.
But Calne is like that.

:soapy tit wank:

William Cobbett didn't think much of Calne either when he vsiited in 1826.
 
 " I couldn't come through that villainous hole, CALNE, without cursing corruption at every step; and when I was coming by an ill looking, broken winded place called the town hall. I poured out a double dose of execration upon it.

 Out of the frying paninto the fire; for in about 10 miles I came to another rotten hole called Wootten Bassett

That's more like it Reg, short and sweet, staright to the point.  I do like Calne Town Hall though.  Better than that Tudor piece of shit on stilts at Bassett.

Surely that Devizes we're describing here.

or southampton! i reckon calne is like little britain

it is really, you get some right weirdos....  :soapy tit wank:

Yeah, just imagine lots of Johno's walking the streets (but without the big jaw).

Chippenham is little better if I'm honest.  People from other parts of the country do look at you a bit wierd when you tell them about some of the local 'personalities'.  A mate of mine was going to hide a video camera in his flat and make a tv show with what was recorded.  It was going to feature a mental Jamaican, a compulsive liar, wooly woofter r.i.p., a heroin addict and some others.  It wouldn't have been very PC though :)

Chippenscum, your likely to get mugged there for 50 pence.
Most look like trannys.

hey... leave my big jaw alone!

in chippenscum you get loads of chavs.... imagine a chav fight between Calne and Chippenham!?