Suggestions for expanding thetownend.com

[Amir]

Jan Aage Fjortoft.


Norwegian forward Jan is thought to be the only footballer in history to have believed himself to be an aeroplane.  Phyciatric problems aside, he is fondly remembered by all Swindon fans who saw him play.

Signed by John Gorman from Rapid Vienna after he had heard an Ultravox song on the radio, Fjortoft became an instant hero at The County Ground by failing to register a goal for half a season.  Unfortunately he scored in an FA cup replay at Portman Road, and continued in this vain for the rest of the season and into the next, scoring goal after goal including an awful effort against Millwall from 30 yards.

Luckily for Swindon they now had a manager who knew staying up wasn't about scoring goals, but about filling your team with skinheads, and Jan was shipped for a wildly inflated figure of £1.3 million, much to the joy of Town fans.

He was last seen sitting in a puddle in Faringdon Park, claiming it to be a fjord.

[Simon Pieman]

fucking quality amir  

[Amir]

David Duke


It is a little known fact that the film 'Braveheart' is loosely based on our very own David, but the American producers typically chose to reinvent history and turn Duke into a 13th century warrior.

Duke invaded England in the summer of 2000, slaughtering the population of Berwick on route before finally coming to rest in Swindon, whereupon he immediately installed himself as Town's top defender.  His habit of painting himself blue and charging naked at opposing players at first caused some distress for the clubs management, but he has since been persuaded to limit this to times when the away strip is being worn.

A tough tacking utility player, if there is a 50/50 ball anywhere on the pitch, he won't win it.  60/40 though.........well........70/30 and he's got a chance.......a slim chance.  Famed for his long throws and being able to jockey a player from one end of the pitch to the other, Duke is still in the team to this day, and probably always will be seeing as no one has the bottle to ask him to leave.

[Johno]

 nice work!

[Spencer_White]

Here is my first entry in the occasional feature.....The View From Smeeton's Tower.

   http://www.uk-cornwallexplore.co.uk/media/images/fromsmeatons5.JPG


  Seriously SY do you think folk on here have the discipline and organisational skills to take something likre this seriously?

Is that the lighthouse at Coate water?

[Reg Smeeton]

Smeeton's Tower is very similar to the Pharos in Alexandra Road.....

    http://www.jasperfforde.com/swindon/7ws_4.html

    Incidentally Fforde is doing a couple of shows in September in Swindon.

[reeves4england]

RHYS EVANS

Evans officially became a Swindon legend in the 2005/6 season, when he saved 9 penalties in one match(including 3 for his own team.

Cracking!

LEE COLLINS

A tremendous signing in the 74/75 season, Lee dominated the town midfield for over a decade and his presence was always felt in the battling town side of the era.
It soon became clear that Lee would be a fans favourite with has lack of fitness and intelligence, and his ability to hit the Stratton Bank clock with every shot, whether it be from six yards out or from Old Town.

Lee moved on to better things after his time at Swindon, as he joined the mighhty  FA Cup Finalists Blackpool. He then won the FA Cup with his new club in 5 consecutive seasons before deciding he was beyond them, joining some crap team who nobody has ever heard of where he ceases to exist to this very day.

[Reeves for King]

Sounds a good idea to me, I'm always left looking for a bit more on players etc. on the match reports on the thisis site.

[Ben Wah Balls]

Duncan Shearer - Duncan was Raised in a small farmhouse in the Scottish outback some time after the war. Being Scottish Duncan had never even heard of football until one fateful day in 1972 when he set out to find his fortune, deciding to make the trip south of the border into England. Having once driven a honda civic it was Duncan's ambition to work at the great Honda plant in Swindon.

Duncan settled into life in Swindon well, making money he'd never dreamt of, selfless Duncan sent much of this money home to care for his own family and 5,000 of his neighbours in third world scotland.

One day Duncan joined in with a kickabout at Honda and picked the game up remarkably well. Swindon scout Alan Gabalan was present on that fateful day and promptly offered Duncan a five year contract at Swindon. Duncan jumped at the chance and became ever present at Swindon, he was top scorer seven seasons running scoring over 500 goals until just a few games before the end of one successful season he suddenly disappeared during a pre-match warmup causing Swindon's playoff campaign to collapse.

Nothing has been seen of Duncan since with rumours at the time speculating he was kidnapped by the haggia - the scottish branch of the mafia, who felt he could be of use in football related crimes.

Duncan's brother Alan is believed to be still plying his trade at one of the unfashionable northern teams.

[Kinky Tom]

Brian Kilcline.

Whilst trudging the depths of the Brazillian rainforests in the summer of '93 two British back-packers (psychologists by trade) stumbled across a plane wreck.

Being of inquisitive nature the two Brits surveyed the area for any sign of survivours, and/or myserious treasure.  During their searching they discovered a log which provided them with the following information, the plane had been on a journey from New York to Rio in the summer of '67.  The plane had, they assumed, come down in a monsoon.

The wreck showed little sign of possible survival, which saddened the pair of intrepid explorers.  Tired from their hike, and searching of the wreck they decided to use the plane for shelter and settled for the night.

Morning came and the pair were awoken by what seemed to be a set of twins, human so far as they could tell - but barely.

The pair gasped in amazement, and to some degree terror.  One of the twins was able to speak basic English though and told how the plane came down in a storm all those years ago.  It became apparent that the twins had been self-sufficient in the forrest for the past 26 years, seeing no evidence of human life anywhere until now.

The two back-packers naturally feeling very sorry for the twins decided to help.  

Tradegy struck though when one of the twins was kidnapped while the group were hiking back to civilisation.  The kidnappers seemed to be bounty-hunters and spotted the monetary value in the beast-like human they had captured.

Undeterred the remaining three made it back to England and the remaining twin was given the name Brian Kilcline.  Brian quickley took to the game of football and was signed on a free half way through Swindon Town's first season in the Premiership.  Brian slotted easily into the back four and somehow staved off relegation.

Brian's twin though was less fortunate, the bounty-hunters found no buyer for their prize, and forced him into fighting in tournaments throughout the world.  He was given the name 'Blanca' and can actually be found within a popular computer game 'Street Fighter'.

Brian, never comfortable with the creature comforts of the populised world lived on a barge, and in order to make sure the barge never srayed from its mooring he used his hair making sure he was always attached to his home, no matter how far from the canals.  

Brian can still be found on his barge scavenging around the many canal side pubs throughout the UK.

Blanca has recently retired from fighting, and actually now lives in great comfort due to the royalties form the Street Fighter series.

[DMR]

Matt Hewlett


Many Town fan's were desperately sad to see him leave at the end of the 04/05 season, with Matty finally set to make the step up to the big time, touted as the man to partner the inferior Frank Lampard at the heart of the Chelsea midfield. His super duper contract commanding £5 million a week at Chelsea will be seen to be deserved by Swindon fans, who saw the move as inevitable.

Matt will always go down in Swindon history after slamming the ball into Oxford United's goal at the Kassam (despite the fact the game was being played at the County Ground), just one example of the legacy that was Hewletts shooting forte.

Never popular with the manager, "Hullit" was always made to work very hard for his place, much to the disgust of many Town fans. Matty's form dipped after best pal Andy Gurney left the CG, amid wild speculation that Matty had run over Andy's hamster. Losing the captaincy soon after, Hewlett clearly got the spark he needed, firing the Town up the league with a series of brilliant solo efforts.

[reeves4england]

Jerel Ifil was born in a slum, in the English region formerly known as London, or Hartlepool as it is now known due to the continous growth of the North-East, but that's another story.

Jerel was captured one day in the local park by bee-keeper Sir Elton John, and was rapidly whipped off to Elton's humble abode where he was sexually abused, before Sir Elton decided he could not afford to lose his latest asset, thus signing him up for the local boy's football team, Watford FC, who now cease to exist after they spent every last penny on World-Class striker Sam Parkin, who's career ended just 3 minutes later as he broke both legs in a strong wind.

Jerel searched high and low for a new club and fell onto a train at Paddington station, bound for Swindon where he was thrown off for not having a ticket. He was taken in by a poor man who lived behind the dog compound, and eventually found employment, again at a football club.

Due to Jerel's upbringing he was very quick and strong, qualities necessary for survival in the capital city. These attributes made up for his lack of control of a football, and although he could not head a ball, pass a ball or hit a ball in generally the right direction he turned out to be a revelation in the Swindon defence. Making over 3000 appearances for the club in just 8 years Jerel had a glittering career, scoring over 800 goals, 7 of them at the right end.

Ifil eventually left the Town after the ridiculously biased and single-minded council decided that Swindon were no longer allowed any blacks, gays or men in their football team. Jerel fitting into atleast two of these categories was left to roam the plant and is now believed to be living in a small place known as Russia, just off Weston.

[Gazza's Fat Mate]

I would be happy to lend my services and write plenty of shit about football

[reeves4england]

Feel free. That's all we EVER do!