Remember when Bristol City fans weren't whining little bitches? They were more creative instead:
You’re going to like our latest exclusive reader offer. Not a lot, but you’ll like it.
Ever wondered how our enigmatic wing wizard Aaron Brown manages to keep his place even though he exerts less influence than a Liberal Democrat MP? Well, the secret is out in the Aaron Brown Magic Set™. Now you too can put on public displays which baffle thousands of people every week.
Yes, with the exclusive Aaron Brown Magic Set™ you will be able to:
• Disappear for 90 minutes!
• Magic your way into any starting 11 regardless of your performance!
• Conjure up things to trip over that no-one else can see!
• Pull one decent performance out of the hat each season!
• Make fantastic performances by rival players competing for your place invisible to the manager!
• Keep one goal up your sleeve to produce in the final game of the season!
And don’t just keep your new-found magic skills to yourself. With a bit of practice, you can make your younger brother disappear too!
You’ll even be able to amaze your friends by controlling human minds. Get someone to offer your boss an inflated fee for your services – then persuade him to inexplicably turn it down! However, unfortunately the Aaron Brown Magic Set™ does not possess the ability to read teammates’ minds, so you may find yourself unable to run into positions to get on the end of their passes.
There are many other tricks included in this magic set. However, although most of them will look good when you’re practicing, they will fail to come off 99 times out of 100 when you are performing in public.
How much do we want for this gift, which promises much but, in truth, will probably fail to deliver? Well, you might want to offer us £600,000 for the magic set – but we won’t accept anything under £1 million, even though that’s clearly overpriced. So hurry, this offer is only available for the next eight months. And unlike our left wing enigma, you’ll have to move quick to nip in before it’s too late.
Other magic sets are available in this series.*
Small Print
Allow 28 days for delivery of a decent cross. Your Aaron Brown Magic Set™ will make its way to your home as soon as it can be arsed, probably in a flashy car. Should someone offer you a decent price for your Aaron Brown Magic Set™, bite their hand off or you’ll regret it later.
*Coming soon:
• The Brian Tinnion Magic Set™. Cut a man in half with one late tackle.
• The Steve Phillips Magic Set™. Pluck an object out of thin air (only works sporadically).
• The Grey Graydon Magic Kit™. Turn footballers into hopeless donkeys and predict the future –
in non-league football.
