Thetownend.com

Great journalist names of our times...

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That has to be a spoof-a la "The Day Today"!

The Town squad are doing their last training session before the weekends game, Billy Paynter gets the ball and takes it round Amankwaah and then round Jfl, he then takes round Nouble and Thompson before dribbling it round Pericard and Marshall. At this pint Wilson shouts "Billy, I said driblle round the cones, round the fucking Cones Billy!  :soapy tit wank:

Nope!


http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/03/26/boys_choir/ (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/03/26/boys_choir/)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger_Boyes (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roger_Boyes)

Ban Penhill Red!!!!!!!

WACCOE might be full of overblown egos when it come to football, but they do have some good threads.

http://www.waccoe.com/index.php?showtopic=178278 (http://www.waccoe.com/index.php?showtopic=178278)

We could do with a few like that.

You obviously read WACCOE more than the TEF, or you've missed the ones on here.

Youve obviously adapted that one from the england version...

Just back from a wonderful holiday with the wife, I really enjoyed it. Splashing around in the sea, then she buried me in the sand and I did the same to her, cant wait for next year to go back and dig her up, if I can find the spot.

In a recent survey of males that live in Blackbird Leys, 95% admitted having sex in the showers.
The other 5% haven't been to jail yet!

That rascsist joke reminded me I had a rude dream that involved Billy Paynter last night!!  :-[ :eek:

Was he dribbling around your cones?

 :D
I felt a bit full of wrong when I woke up!

Corrected for you.

A man goes to the chemist and asks the lady behind the counter for 4,999 condoms...fuck me exclaims the the girl looking shocked....in that case make it 5000 says the man.

euuww no! hahahah its didnt get that far anyway - people kept walking in! (in the dream!)

Austin and Sheehan?

no - even worse - Hasney Aljofree!!  :eek:

 :D

Nightmare!

But its better than dreaming about me or my friends being murdered so Ill stick with it!

After 3 years of research scientist have finally discovered what makes women happy.












Fuck All

I'm going to tell my wife that one later. Tomorrow i shall mainly be wearing a black eye...

They are probably in a bit of the forum that I can't see Sam  ::)

Nope all in general discussion. Like the one where STFC Dave was sick on a girl after taking a girl back to his, or jayohhaitchenn's granny shagging antics.

We use the secret bit when we want a serious political debate.;)

Oh and my name isn't Sam either.

Ah. More beer required then.

A day early i know....i am training my dog to be a blacksmith...everytime he hears a car backfire he makes a bolt for the door.

A burglar is robbing a house when a voice from the dark booms...Jesus is watching you!
The burglar carries on and the voice repeats..Jesus is watching you!
The burglar shines his torch and sees the parrot in the corner and mocks him....Polly want a cracker he jokes.
My name isnt Polly says the Parrot its Moses....the burglar laughs and says what dickhead calls his parrot Moses.
The parrot looks up and through squinted eyes says....the same moron who called his Rotweiller Jesus.

(Apologies to JFW)

Why do women wear make-up & spray themselves with perfume?

Because they're ugly and they smell.

Lionel Ritchie has just baught a muslim butchers shop in Wolverhampton..he has renamed it ..

Halal,is it meat your looking for.

My girlfriend just texted me to say that she has just stuck a whole lemon up her pussy.

That might not seem like a big deal but she's dyslexic.

How do you stop a dog humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck it's cock.

Right down to my favourite level of level of joke. brilliant  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

That is so wrong. So why am I still laughing at it till it hurts?

 :D ditto

Gutted today...my buisness went bust,for two years i have had a chicken matchmaking company...alas however hard i tried i couldnt make hens meet.

Which is the odd one out......a Shark, a Lobster, a Crab and a Scouser?

The Shark, because the other 2 pinch things and wear a shell suit!

waiter waiter theres volcanic ash in my soup
 
 
yes sir thaats because its a no fly zone

How does an Oxford mother know that her daughter is having her period?

Because her son's cock tastes funny.

How do you make a queer fuck a woman?

Shit in her cunt.

What's better than winning the Paralympics?

Being able to walk.

Did you hear about the two gays in a phone box trying to ring each other?

What's red and can't turn around in corridors?

A baby with a javelin through its' head.

There was actual spit on my screen.

love it

Whats red and taps on glass?


Baby in a microwave

There is a new position in the Karma Sutra called " The Plumber"
You both stay in all day & no fucker cums.s

What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?

An erection.

I see, we are are really dropping to the lowest levels now are we, fair enough.

Whats the best thing about fucking twenty two year olds?

Theres twenty of them

That's class.

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

Was ejeced from a nightclub last night.
When James and sit down was played...i sat down.
When Van Halen and Jump was played i jumped all over the dancefloor.
The bouncers took a dim view of my actions when Come On Eileen was in full flow.

Whats funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown's costume.

Whats the best thing about fucking an 8 year old boy?
Flipping him over and pretending he's an 8 y/o girl.

What do you do after you rape a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
Break her fingers so she can't tell mother.

What did the blind, dumb and deaf kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

What's the difference between cancer and AIDS?

If you rape a cancer victim you don't get sick.

Why is Cheryl Cole like the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland?

She's still blowing Ash.

What has 8 legs and makes girls scream?

Gang Rape.

Saw some kids playing football with a hedgehog the other day. Thought it was cruel and was going to step in and stop it untill I found out the hedgehog was 2-0 up

A woman goes to the doctors. She walks into the room and sits on the examination table.

"What's wrong my dear?" asks the doctor.

"It's a bit emabarassing but while on my safari holiday I got raped by an elephant!"

"Oh Dear, let me have a look at your vagina to make sure there's no too much damage."

The woman takes of her skirt, pulls down her knickers and spreads her legs.

"Fuck ME," says the doctor, "Your hole is nearly two foot wide, an elephants penis is only 10 inches thick!"

"Well," replies the woman, "he fingered me first!"

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

What's blue and fucks old ladies ?

Hypothermia


What's the definition of mass confusion ?

Father's day in Brixton


What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.

Brilliant.

Did you know, 1 out of 10 people dont enjoy gang rape?

That joke is much funnier when told properly, along the lines of "Statistically, 5 out of 6 people enjoy gang rape"

Indeed true.

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you?  I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.  I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account..

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.  If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,





'You shag her again.'

I went to the doctors the other day and told him that I just can't stop having sex with young black girls. He says "I've got just the thing for you, take one of these."

"What is it?" I say nervously.

He repiles, "A niggerette patch."

eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrm, that joke makes way more sense the other way round...

anyways, A bloke walks into the chemist and asks for some birth control for his ten-year-old daughter. the lady behind the counter is a bit shocked, and asks "i'm sorry sir, but is your daughter sexually active that young?!?" the guy replies "nah, she just lies there sobbing like her mum"

guy says to his girlfriend "would you like to indulge me in my rape sexual fantasy?"
Girl says "no, not really"
Guy says "yeah, thats the spirit"
...............
just slept with a woman who has exzema.......
.
.
cracking cunt

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

You cannot gargle sand.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, and Michael Jackson fucked children.

I went into Paddys house today and the front room ceiling was twenty foot high...jeez paddy i say that ceiling is abit high....it was the missus says paddy,she wanted two rooms knocked into one.

I always remember the 4 s's when i visit a mosque.
Shoes Off

Socks Off

Sawn Off


Safety Off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My missus came home last night really pissed, i was stood in the kitchen when she dropped to her knees and slurred" iwant toget really diirrty!!!!!!!!!" So i said" in your state darling you will never be able to clean the oven"

I took my dog to the park today and played frisbee with him.

He was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.

Saw an oxford season ticket nailed to a tree the other day, though "I'm having that."

Well, you can never have too many nails can you

It was with genuine sadness that I learnt earlier this week about the death of ventriloquist Ray Allen - I used to really enjoy his act when I was a kid.

Apparently Lord Charles was unavailable for comment.

How do you stop ten black men raping a white woman?


Throw them a basketball.

A girl with a lisp goes to the doctors with a chesty cough.
The doctor lifts up her top and says 'big breaths'
Yes says the girl....and i am only sixteen.

A couple of clean ones for you.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Pholoppe
_________________________________________

A pussycat creeps onto a aeroplane, gets into the cockpit, puts a gun to the pilots head and says "take me to the Canaries!"

BBC News: Ships recreate Dunkirk journey for 70th anniversary.

In other news, France surrenders as a large fleet of ships is spotted off the coast of Dunkirk.

The oldest and best joke ever:

Why do women wear make up and perfume?


Because they're ugly and they smell.

Little Billy comes home from junior school one day and his mum notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She says, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher" he replied.
His mum is stunned. "Get up to your room now and wait until your father gets home!"
His dad comes home from work and hears the news,and he's well pleased.
Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad," says Billy.
"Well Billy, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's go and get fish and chips, and then I'll buy you that new bike you've been asking for."
"Great"! says Billy,  "but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

whats black on top and white underneath?

rape

whats pink and goes round and round and round?

steven gatleys suitcase at baggage claim

why are lamposts 50ft apart?
so blacks cant swing to work!
im only joking blacks dont have jobs

Can you sit with Millwall tomorrow please?

I got pulled over for speeding today.

The cop said "papers". So I said "scissors".

I win cunt.       

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Fantastic Samdy  :D

I got one of those new 3D tv's the other day, they are so realistic that i fell asleep watching Liverpool and when i woke up someone had nicked my wallet.

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.

"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"

"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."

The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.

"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.

"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What has 2 legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

Crispy

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

I fell out of a 600 story building and lived.

It was a library.

-----------------------------------------

Being a pornstar is brilliant...

I'm getting more head than Princess Diana's dashboard.

The metropolitan police are looking for a racist muslim attacker.


They hung up on :headhurts: me when i asked for an application form.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1976 - Robert De Niro  - Taxi Driver
3 Oscars  & 3 Emmys.

2010 - Derek Bird - Taxi Driver

1 Oscar, 2 Emma's, 2 Billy's, 1 Mark & 1 Gary.

what's racist and has a small penis?

Most people on here?

Robert green was given special training today and he faced 2000 shots and never conceded any, tomoorow him & heskey will train with the rest of the squad.

Hey most of us aren't racist :D

What's the difference between Jordan and a Vuvuzela horn?

One is a cheap plastic piece of trash that is there making it's annoying whining noise, every time you turn on the T.V.........oh wait a minute!

There is now more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on research into Alzheimer's disease.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky tits and huge erections, with absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. 

Where do you get that from? It's not something I've noticed on here. And even though my Dad was a copper, I can assure you that I'm not.

Tongue in cheek to be honest.  I'm no comedian, mind.

You have your moments..............quite large gaps in-between though tbh.

It's a shoot on sight policy - one is bound to go in eventually.

Jonathan Douglas would disagree with that statement.

The England players visited an orphanage in South Africa this morning.
"It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people constantly struggling and facing the impossible", said Jamal Umboto aged 6......

 :D

It wasn't posted on a Friday, but it made me smile, Willy-Wonka.

Because I happened to read yours. And it wasn't funny.

Freddie Mercury is called in to see God. God says 'Freddie I always liked your music and I'm going to give you another life on earth, what do you want to be?'
Freddie says 'I want to be Englands goalkeeper.'
God asks 'Why?'
Freddie replies 'I'll have 10 arseholes in front of me, 50,000 pricks behind me and I won't be able to catch anything.'

Superb Dell.

Went to a japanese metal concert the other day. Ended up in the moshi-moshi pit

My wife said that I am a sad twat and that I need to get a life.

I would have slapped the bitch if I had not already been waiting in line to get an iPhone 4.

A couple with a child decide to divorce. The judge asks the child do you want to live with your mum? The child says: "no she beats me"... The judge then asks him: "do u want to live with your dad?" He says: "no he beats me"... the judge says "who do u want to live with then??? " The child answers: "the French team: they can't beat anyone

I was sat in a coffee bar yesterday when I suddenly realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The music in the bar was really loud, so I decided to time my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

It was then that I suddenly remembered I was listening to my iPod.

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of those mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We found that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it lives a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka and beer once. Your move Jesus...

What does Stephen Hawking use for protection during sex?

Norton 360

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.

It was his naughty little brother Dennis they were after.

Magical.

Haha, that's ace, i'm gonna nick that.

"Doctor - I think I might have Malaria."

"Ok Mrs Cole, the first thing I'm going to have to do is take a look at your vagina."

If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.

Funny how times change - in medieval times, you'd have felt secure if you'd had a Moat running round your village

Harold Shipman's last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied "yeah it was ok but i could have murdered a nan"

Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.

That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.

My wife and I were watching that TV program last night about youngsters having under age sex.She was quite amazed at their behaviour and asked me "have you ever come across somebody like that?"I daren't answer

did she mean literally?

Northumberland police have put a 10k reward for the capture of Roall Moat & if he isn't caught by next wednesday then they make it 20k.

Now thats what a call a Roall over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i went to see my doctor today, i told him every time i sneeze i keep getting an errection, he asked me if i was taking anything for it? i replied yes pepper :D

I know it's not Friday, but this one tickled me slightly:

In bed the other night, my wife and I decided that as it was our wedding anniversary the next day, whoever woke up first would have to wake the other one up with oral sex.

The next morning, I was the first to wake. True to our agreement, I gently got up, pulled back the covers...














... and shoved my cock in her mouth.

How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts.....wi jammin.

Selling Bourbon Biscuits for 49p a pack?

That's ASDA Price.

Selling Plastic Fire Trucks

That's Fisher Price

Forgetting the words to her new single while attempting to sing live on stage and simulating giving your boyfriend a blow job....

That's Katie Price.

My missus was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

What's the difference between JLS and Futurama?

There's only one Bender in Futurama.

I fucking hate those little Russian Dolls.


They're so full of themselves.

I love this.

Im nicking that.  Facebook status update .

I have just joined that new Porn twitter and i already have 400 swallowers.

My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

Two hookers walking down the road, one says "Girl we gonna make some money tonight, I smell dick in the air"

The other says "No, I just burped"

a book just fell on my head.i've only got myshelf to blame.......

3 Oxford fans walk into a bar......a priest, a gay and a peadophile and that was just the first one!

When I was a kid, people used to cover me in cream and put cherries on my head.
It was tough growing up in the gateau.

Rude dog and the dweebs! ace!

I saw that joke on a billbopard today?

I thought the same thing 8) None of my friends remember it :/

haha, was that intentional?

OMG thats so random - I just text my boss saying "Rude Dog and the dweebs"

He text back saying what the hell are you on about!!

It was ace!

All I seem to remember about it was the theme song, Rude Dog drove a pink cadillac and they lived/worked in a workshop of sorts.

I only found out recently that they only made one series of it and it was all to market clothing.

clothing?? what sort of clothing? dog clothing?

Surf/skater clothing, that sort of stuff I think.

I'm going to side with JFW's boss  :unsure:

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?



FULL UP.

OK Its offical no-one else in the world apart from us 3/4 remembers rude dog and the dweebs!

i went to a charity ball for women who had lost their legs last night....the place was crawling with fanny.

Hello der RD.

Used to love that.

I do. Can you remember the theme tune? It was pretty ace.

Yes - Ive been singing it in my head since yesterday!

Dancefloor looked like my patio after the snails have been out.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

Ha.

I like that

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.

Seems the Police have a sense of humour as well, the punch line comes at the end...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-10715115

Hahaha.  Nice.

Police in Ireland have uncovered what is believed to be a mass burial plot for Snowmen, an English expert has said it is just a field of carrots.

Good knowledge - I have my own nerdfact to add here. Rude dog was voiced by the same guy who did Raphael in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He also did "Pinky" from "Pinky and the Brain".

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"
and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for
$1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "OK. The question is: which of
the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?
(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."
"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and
phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the
question to him. "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's
simple......it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.
"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with
cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your! final answer?" asked the host.
"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the
cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know fook-all
about birds."

"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo
lives in a clock!"

Need cheering up?

Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the bit where she takes the ring off, walks down the aisle, gets in the car and fucks off.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small town in Tasmania .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as
a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general.. and all in the name
of humour!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells:
'You stay out of this mate!
I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'

Paddy and Murphy walking down the street when a lorry full of turf drives past.

Paddy turns to Murphy and says "That's what i'm going to do when I win the lottery, send my grass away to be cut"

Paddy rang the rape help line and said 'quick i got the bitch pinned down what do i do next'.

Paddy baught a gundog...and broke its neck trying to load it.

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."

His wife asked, "What is that?"

Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

The other day, I watched as another woman inserted her fingers into my wife's pussy. Like a lot of guys in that situation, I decided to have a wank.

I thought I better stop when I got a disapproving look from the midwife.

Lynx - cos some women just aren't worth showering for!

A mans wife hits him across the head.
He asks "Whats that for?".
She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it".
Quick as a flash he says "Thats the name of a horse I bet on today, you silly cow!"- She apologises.

A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan, and he asks "What the fuck was that for?"
She replies, "Your fucking horse phoned!"

Why do women have no sense of humour?  My wife didn't find it half as funny as I did when I swapped her tampon for a party popper!!

My bank has just introduced a new service where i send them a text and they text me my balance back, i think it is really cool but i don't think the soapy tit wank was necessary.

I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my wife:

'Darling,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.

Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'
...
And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...

What the hell does 'ternative' mean?

An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Alternative - when they got to the room, the drover immediately stood the bed up against the wall and moved all the other furniture to the sides of the room.

"What are you doing ?" asked the wife  "Well if it's anything like being with a kangaroo, we'll need all the space we can get" he replied.

Instead of having a "sex talk" with my 14 year old son I decided to show him a porno movie.

Afterwards he said to me "Dad are all women like that, or is it just Mum?"

Love it. Just L O V E it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSvJwUFI_es&feature=player_embedded

I met a Jewish coffee maker this morning.  His cappucino was crap, but he brews a mean espresso.

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.


'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge £20 an hour.'

'....ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kin-KY.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kin-KY.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your Hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to
her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your Hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis duck kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what the hell do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....

..

..

..

..

..

..

..




Four-sprung Duck technique.

I was watching a porno and this girl managed to gag on the bloke's cock for up to five minutes at a time. Amazed by such a performance, I tried this with my wife and ended up killing her.

Turns out that I just have a slow internet connection.

How effing funny was that? Genius!!!!!

On a similar film parody theme (but a little less high brow) how about this I plucked from the Guardian Website - Admiral Ackbar/John Sitton has never sounded so good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deTuZdSD4Uw

Sometimes I think that there is something seriously wrong with Japan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myXPBA7Ibso&feature=player_embedded

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

The expression...'what the fuck?' was invented for that video.

Post edit....5 mins on and I find myself singing the song, in an exagerrated Japanese voice. YIkes.

Tim Vine is an absolute hero

I went to see him at the Edinburgh festival a few years back doing his 'Current Puns' show. Was very funny.

On the Japanese fucked up theme, this is quite old but still makes me chortle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

The little old lady in our Street was 101 yesterday....for the last 18 years she has lovingly cooked me a fresh white loaf of bread each day..this morning Brown Bread.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
 
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
 
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
 
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
 
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
 
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
 
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
 
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
 
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
 
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
 
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
 
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
 
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
 
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
 
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.   I'd do the same for you!'
 
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
 
The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
 
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
 
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Had all my teeth taken out at the dentist this morning..never again.

Paddy is very upset, his dad has just died and he is crying his eyes out.  The phone goes and Paddy starts crying even louder and screaming.  His mate asked him what had happened now, "That was my sister, her dad has died as well!"

The new man city advert.

Webuyanycunt.com
Webuyanycunt.com
Webuyanycunt.com  any any any
Webuyanycunt.com -- any race, any size, any age, any price from £50 to a hundred mil.
Enter your squad number now at Webuyanycunt.com

If a tree falls and kills a woman, what was she doing out of the kitchen?

No wonder you manage to charm all the ladies with humour like that my friend.

My mate is in love with two school bags.

Reckons he's bi-satchel.

Did you get that from Tim Vine?

I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambling.' I said, 'The steaks are too high.

My son came home from school looking all excited.

"I got a B on my reading test," he told me.

"That's a fucking F," I replied.

I'm downloading the Qu'ran from an ebook site. I've got a slow connection but it should be done by Saturday the 11th. I'm putting it on disk, if anyone wants one I can burn a few copies?

I was busy having sex with the wife when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I hate fucking in the bath.

Was asked to go see my Ex-Girlfriend today.
One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.
police weren't too happy though
I was only supposed to identify the body

I played football on a plane once.

There I was, running down the wing..

Velcro.

What a rip off that is.

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

Alphabet grenades.

They can spell disaster.

Paul Mcartney once got his ex wife Heather Mills a plane for Christmas...took 2 inches off her inside leg.

 I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...' ..

I saw a scottish mouse in my airing cupboard today.........it was on the pipes.

I shagged the arse off this deaf and dumb girl last night, I was so ashamed of myself this morning, I super glued her fingers together so she couldn't tell anyone.

His German friend was on the tank.

Tomorrow is the 9th anniversary of the terrible "terrorist" attack on the world trade centre, I think we should pay tribute to those who died by bringing everyone together....

by having a Jenga tournament

I met this German man and in the back of his car he had a piece of meat, "that is my spare veal" he replied.

The missus gets a bit tetchy around her time of the month

Bloody Woman

--------

Went to pick up a copy of Cricket 2007 to find the disk had snapped. I've since sent it off to pakistan, apparently they're good at fixing cricket games

a couple of naked lesbians barged into the house and started wrestling with my wife today, while she was in the bath... I tried to fight them off but I could only knock one out

I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.

Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.  :girlgiggle:

Jill Dando's boyfriend wanted a new front door but she was dead against it.

Just been to my first muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!

 :doh:

I just heard on the news that gangs are now using dogs instead of knives.

I tried this and my toast was very hairy.

I went out with a ginger haired woman who had a Brazilian wax done....looked like she was balancing a fish finger on her minge!

Poor little Temitope, the African orphan... he has to walk nearly 15 miles a day to get water.

Bet he wishes he was a paki.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They asked "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes, that's her."
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident."
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality..."

What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist?

2:30.

Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.

Afterwards, Paddy says, "That was fucking great! I wonder how the girls got on."

Paddy is in the disco. He asks a girl, "fancy a shag?"
She replies, "sorry, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
"Great," says Paddy, "I'm on my scooter, I'll follow you home."  :D

Coincidentally I had an appointment today for a filling at 2:30pm.

I am so proud. I didn't crack that joke once. Although my dentist is middle eastern so she probably wouldn't have got it  ::)

How do you stop a dog humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his cock.

I wanted to buy my son a drum kit today.

My wife said, "I couldn't stay in the house with that racket!"

I bought my son a drum kit today.

Last night I poured antifreeze into my friend's alcopop. He's now paralysed and blind.

Have you got a WKD side?

BBC News: Woman thrown off X-Factor for being mentally unstable.

That's like throwing a contestant off University Challenge for being a virgin.

These three lads are drinking in a pub when this bloke comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while the bloke goes up to the group of lads, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur, "I've shagged your Mum."

The three lads look bewildered and the bloke goes back to drinking at the bar.

Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your Mum has sucked my penis."
The three lads try and ignore him and he goes back to the bar.

After another ten minutes he comes back and shouts, "I've had your Mum up the arse."

By now the lads have had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says, "Look, Dad, you're pissed. Now fuck off home."

A policeman is driving around on duty one night and he sees this huge Black man dancing on the roof of a Ford.
he calls for back up to the control room.

Policeman; I need back-up, there is a huge nigger dancing on the roof of a ford.

Control; hey, you can say that, its not Politicaly correct, please use the correct terminoligy!

Policeman; Zulu, Tango, Sierra.

As a family i decided we would move into the technocial age so i brought my son an I-pod, my daughter an I-phone & myself an I-pad. I felt really sorry for my wife not having anything so i brought her an I-ron and thats when it all kicked off. the ungrateful bitch. 

Heard a fucking hilarious joke last night.



"Whats worse than getting raped?.....


....Finding a worm in your apple."

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: Cracking up as I'm typing this

Madeleine McCann's new facebook places update: In the Popemobile

Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day,

His teacher demands, "Where were you yesterday?"

"I'm sorry Miss, my dad got burnt," replies Johnny.

"Oh,I'm sorry,I hope it wasn't serious," says the teacher.

To which Johnny replies, "Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium, Miss."

The pope gets shot while in the UK, he comes round later looking at a gorgeous nurse and asks " am i in Heaven? " the nurse replies " no we are just taking a short cut through the childrens ward "

What do you call a bloke who gets drinks for a ginger girl in a nightclub?

A barman.

chortle

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Al Capone was furious...on leaving his best shoes on the doorstep he noticed a cat biting and chewing them...after a few times of this happening he ordered Vito the opera singing henchman to catch the beast.
Vito waited all night and finally he saw the large cat trashing Als shoes...he pulls out a gun and shoots the poor Moggy dead.
Vito was proud of his work and went to show Al Capone the dead animal...he walked into the office,pulled out the dead cat ..got down on one knee and in a loud singing voice proceeded to sing

Pardon me Al...is this the cat that chewed ya shoe shoes.

A MARRIED MAN

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

How many soapy tit wanks does it take to change a light bulb?

I'll do it for one.

I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.

He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."

I said, "Hard work?"

He said, "No, you're an ugly cunt."

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I like to buy four KitKat Chunkys, melt them a little bit, stick them together and then pretend I'm a midget eating a normal sized KitKat.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tescos complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.

I think he had A wrecked aisle dysfunction

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Games Workshop.

The only place in the world where you can feel your virginity growing back.

The other day I was out and parked in a disabled
parking bay. The nearby traffic warden shouted to
me,"oi mate, whats your disability?", so i shouted
back, "tourettes you cunt, now fuck off!".

I've just de-flowered a virgin.

I mugged a ginger kid coming out of a florists.

A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.

"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.

"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"

"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."

boo, that ruined Bill Bailey's bit

I was in bed the other night with my new girlfriend and she said, I've never held such a big willy. And I said, you're pulling my leg.

What's the difference between a feminist and a lesbian?

The spelling.

Q: What's the difference between
Basil Brush and a suicide bomber?
A: A suicide bomber only goes
"boom" once.

saw a bloke with a toupe playing football earlier, his control was excellent. He had a good touch for a wig man

How much salad dressing does Snoop Dogg use?

Just a Drizzle my Nizzle.

I'm steve jobs, and windows 7 was my idea

One of the Chilean Miners has tried to commit suicide, supposedly he forgot to clock in.

Found a genie in a lamp today...he granted me just one wish.
I want to live forever i asked....sorry said the genie that is the only wish i cannot grant you...ok i say then i want to live to see Oxford Utd win the premiership...............you crafty bastard says the genie.

courtesy of jimmy carr last night

how do you make a gay man shag a woman




shit in her cunt.

Just had my water bill, £172.75.

Fuck that, I'm giving Oxfam a ring, they can supply a whole village for just £2 a month!

Keep up Mex, page 3 of this very thread.

Just got a lifetime ban from b&q. Some
guy in an orange suit came up to me and asked if I wanted decking. So I got the first punch in and that was that.

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice fingers.

I saw that Take That are playing at Anfield in March.

I've got £10 on them winning 3-1.

How many indie kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Its a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

I've finally decided what I'm doing for Halloween. I'm out trick or treating around Manchester road and I'm gonna scare the shit out of anyone who answers the door.I'm dressing up as an Immigration Officer.

Shamelessly nicked from BBC Radio 5 this morning.

It's early October.  There's a young kid in Liverpool sitting at the side of the road asking for a penny for the Guy.

Passer by: It's a little early for that, don't you think?

Kid: You're joking, aren't you?  My big brother's out carol singing.

Are you crispy in disguise? ;)

Vice squad is another one

I texted my boss, "What's the difference between
this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."
I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."

(from Radio this morning)

There was a knock on the door last night, I opened it and a bloke walked in, went to my fridge and took out the milk, butter and cheese.  How dairy !

My favourite text message to send to the missus when I'm at the pub: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... If not.....read this again."

I have been working in a mirror factory for years now. It's what I've always seen myself doing....

I hate PC World.
Or Britain, as some people call it.

I think I'm going to order a load of bubble wrap just to see what it's delivered in....

Watching Jamie Oliver cooking sea bass with lemon and parsley really inspired me to go and create a fishfinger sandwich with tomato sauce.

I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

There's good news for terminal cancer patients...
The clocks went back this weekend so that's an extra hour....

My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts.
Turns out it was just her knees.

I was minding my own business in the pub last night when a man came over to me and said, "You look like a poof."
I was so outraged I immediately challenged him to a dance off.

I saw CountDown yesterday.
He's Dracula's spastic brother.

At a recent job interview:
What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?
Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
And your strengths?
I'm Batman.

Santa says to an elf
Im getting tired of this, every year I put on this red outfit do all the work myself and end up with nothing looking like a twat
The elf replies
Now you know how Charlie Austin feels.

My wife was very impressed yesterday when I did "the helicopter" with my cock.

She was less impressed when I did "the chinook" with her labia.

Why does everyone hate Audley Harrison?
It's not as if he has ever hurt anyone.


My racing snail was not winning races
any more, so I decided to remove his shell
to make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work. If anything
it made him more sluggish.

What do Kate Middleton and Dodi Al Fayed have in common?

They've both had their finger in Diana's ring.

Was at the cash point earlier, an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So i pushed her over

No credit to Sickipedia whatsoever.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse replies "My wife is dying of terminal cancer."

What's red and smells of blue paint?
Red paint.

Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing

What do you call a ginger who's phone rings on a Saturday night?
Shocked.

It's also unfair how gingers only get two lifelines on Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

A young couple just gave birth to their first child and the doctor says, I’ve good some good news and some bad news, what do you want first?

Give us the bad news first, the parents reply.

Your baby has red hair, says the doctor.

Well whats the good news ask the parents.

It’s dead.

My Nan walked in on me wanking the other day and had a stroke ...


She's got lovely soft hands.

My racing snail had stopped winning races so I thought if I removed it's shell it would make it lighter and more aerodynamic.
But, if anything it just made it more sluggish.

That one was already posted on this very page

Bernard Mathews got cremated today, gas mark 5, 4 hours.

FIFA

My wife asked where i would like to be buried.

Face first in Cheryl Coles pussy wasn't the answer she was expecting.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sepp Blatter was asked who his favorite Qatar player was.
He replied Jimi Hendrix.

I bought a car off Bonnie Tyler last year.
It generally runs ok, but every now and
then it falls apart

It was so cold this morning I had to scrape the
ice off my windscreen with my Homebase discount
card. It wasn't much use though - I only got 10% off

I'm nicking that.

I nicked it off of popbitch so you're welcome to it!

After his awful bowling performances in the Ashes series, Mitchell Johnson last night attempted to throw himself over a cliff. And missed.

Or a similar note, Ricky Ponting also tried to throw himself off a cliff, but Paul Collingwood caught him.

(Shamelessly stolen off the radio)

What does Mitchell Johnson put in his hand to guarantee a wicket in the next over?
His bat

What's the definition of blind optimism?
Aussie opening batsman putting on sun block

What's the difference between the Ashes and a boomerang?
The Aussies can get boomerangs to come back

On a similar note.....

What do you call an Aussie thats good with the bat?

A vet.

What do you call World Class Australian Cricketers?



Retired.

The West Ham board have said that they don't know who will be in charge for Tuesday's match with Birmingham.

My money is on Birmingham.

What do you call an Australian with a bottle of champagne in his hand....

A waiter.

Most Chelsea fans haven't seen a run of form this bad since they were Fulham fans.

Police in Bristol investigating Joanna Yates case say the murderer stole one of her socks.

Am i the only one thinking " Heather Mills "       :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

I bought a car from Chris De Burgh......it was a Lada in Red.

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Prince Charles was visiting a factory in Thistlethorpe.
He was being shown around by the factory manager, and he couldn't help but notice that Prince Charles
was wearing a massive fur hat.
It was a boiling hot day in August, sweat was beading down his face, yet he had a huge fur hat on.
Anyway, he just ignored it and carried on as normal.

After about 2 hours or so the factory tour was over and Prince Charles opened the floor to some questions.

One of the factory cleaners piped up "Excuse me, Your Royal Highness, but why are you wearing a big fur hat when it's so hot out?"

"Well" exclaimed Prince Charles "One was with mother today, and she asked me what ones plans were for the day"
"I told her that I was visiting a factory in Thistlethorpe.
With which she replied:"

"Where the fox hat!?"

I went to the library yesterday and asked for a book on Ricky Ponting.

The librarian told me it was already out

A good friend has just found a match for a bone marrow transplant....all the way in Argentina.

So a big thank you to Diego Marrow Doner.

I got an email saying bored housewife wants some hot action

I sent her my ironing.

There was an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman all walking through the country in england. Upon their journey they came across a genie who said he would grant them all one wish. The irishman was the first to get his wish, he said 'i wish that all my fellow irishmen were back with me in ireland, and everyone has what they want and everyone is happy' So the genie granted his wish and the irishman was back in ireland with all his fellow irish men.

Then it was the scotsmans turn, he said ' i wish that all my fellow scotsmen were back with me in bonny scotland, and everyone is happy and has what they want' So the genie clicked his fingers and the scotsman and all his fellow scotsmen were back in scotland.

Then it was the englishmans turn to make a wish. he said 'you mean all the irish and all the scots are out of england? well, ill just have a can of coke then!'

boom boom

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.


I got sacked last night from serving in the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful  bleeders, all I said was, 'Hurry up for fucks sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.


In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then fuck off.'


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.

A Jewish man has opened a convenience store in our village. I walked in and said, "There's a sign in your window that says, 'Bottles of wine - BOGO'. I think you're missng an 'F' at the end."
He said, "No I'm not."


I started my new job in a beauty salon this morning, and spent an hour this afternoon waxing women's fannys.
But I had to hurry and get back to cleaning the bogs before the beautician got back from her lunch break.


A welshman has reportedly been attacked by a wild animal whilst having sex.
Apparently it was a wolf in sheep's clothing.


Daffy duck, on a dirty weekend calls the hotel reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist says: shall I put it on your bill?
Daffy replies: don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate!

Tenerife ... I won't beheading there in a hurry.

I did your mum like an Sn2 reaction and came from behind.

Mickey and Mini Mouse are awaiting the judges decision on a divorce hearing brought by mickey.  The judge leans I've to Mickey and says "Mr Mouse, having considered the views of both sides I have come to the conclusion that your wife has suffered years of verbal abuse and suffering at the hands of a bully. Throughout this hearing you have repeatedly confirmed my opinion in your harsh description of your wife's looks. As a result Mr Mouse I find that your request for divorce on the grounds that your wife has buck teeth wholly unreasonable.

Mickey turns to the judge in utter disbelief and says "I didn't say she had buck teeth I said she was fucking goofy!"

Muslim women have a new social networking site

Book

--------------------------------------------------

So a woman drives into a bar...

this made me laugh....well done

Has anyone tried Welsh wine? Nobody bottles it like Cardiff!

I'm not a suspicious person, but my 17 year old son has just told me he's going to Bangkok for his holiday.

If thats the case, then why does he have coach tickets to Brighton?

Mean people said that joke using Charlie Austin last season. Boo mean people.

Some may say that losing in a play-off final and getting relegated the season after would be worse!

Credit to John Cleese:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and the announcement of the death of Osama bin Laden, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."  Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."   The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.  Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "P!ssed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."  They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide.”   The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."  Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."  They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish  navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate."  Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!  I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled."   So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final  escalation level.

 

Nice.

"I took my car to the garage the other day, the guy said he is a quantum mechanic.

I asked him if he could fix it. He said he'd need a look at it first." - Stephen Hawking

What makes me giggle is the thought of Hawking giggling because so many won't get it. Regardless of how funny it is (or is not).

I actually thought this too when I read it. He was a mischievous buggar on the quiet. Wonder if he's bumped into Patrick Moore yet?

Well done Liverpool on beating Man City in the first leg of the Champions league quarter finals.

I've not seen a Scouser that excited about one leg since Paul McCartney met Heather Mills.

Einstein would be a stellar meeting.

Quite, and Galileo too.  :)

Giotto

No I definitely meant Galileo or do you mean to include Giotto as well?

Include.

Bloke at his best mate's funeral goes up to the widow and says: "I'd like to say a word if you don't mind."

"No of course not," she says, "that'd be lovely."

So he walks to the front, clears his throat and says: "Plethora."

"Thank you," she says, "that means a lot."

Jurgen Klopp said to Karius after the game, Why didn't you stop the ball ?, Karius replied i thought that was what the net is for

:clap: :clap:

I am typing this on behalf of Peter Venkman who wonders why his eye drops come in a bottle indistinguishable from that of Superglue.

(https://s15.postimg.cc/rfnq7xzln/35362344_107101450194683_573697374640144384_n.jpg)

A day late...and NSFW

https://twitter.com/i/status/1035521651117576193

Not as late as this one:

Hugo should have tipped that last shot over the bar.

(https://i.imgur.com/ykVBEfU.jpg)

My village is holding their annual incest competition.

I've entered my sister.

Waheyy! Was your father a Baker?

Living in Somerset, hard to tell if this is a joke or not?

Coming from Swindon with my sister still living there...you tell me!

In a similar vein..

How do you know when your sister is on?

Your dad's cock tastes funny.

You're having the snip eh?  Will it make a vas deferens to your sex life?

😁

I know it's a day late but this is fucking wonderful...may I present, a Flerfers interpretation and "explanation" of the equinoxes...

https://www.livescience.com/63648-flat-earth-explanation-for-the-equinox.html?

These guy's are fucking amazing.

Gem's include "How does water get high up if rivers only run down hill", "why are people not upside down in Australia" and, one of my personal favourites. "If the earth is curved, why are rail-roads not curved."

As for anything to do with Australia. Many are convinced it doesn't even exist.

Haha, I guess they don't believe in evaporation then! Wonder what their thoughts are on EVAPORATED Milk and how it is produced? Never heard the "...why are railroads not curved." one!! Yeah, I think they include NZ in that non-existent thought too!

Mention 'rain' and they just hurl a torrent of abuse and accuse you of being a NASA shill.

Haha, oh that mysterious old rain! I'd love to be a NASA shill. Those Flerfers really are a bunch of cunts. I wonder if I asked them if they believed in Pythagoras' theorem, how they might respond?

Why should you never wear Russian underpants?




Chernobyl* fall out!



*Yeah I know its actually Ukraine but that spoils it.

So perhaps, maybe, ask why one should never wear Ukranian Underpants ;)

That did cross my mind!

I thought it funny whatever the eastern European country quoted. The wife err, not so much..

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl.

I counted at least 8 innacuracies on my right hand alone.

Fffuuinnnyy tthhaattft. Iii liiicvbe iin Ppriipppyat ttooo.

A day early but in the light of the Doyle situation I hope this takes your mind off it for a few minutes. Nicked from FB.

Caeser announces to his fellow Romans.
"Tomorrow, I will gather up my legions and invade France. I will kill any Frenchman that dares to get in my way"
Brutus says to a centurion " he talks a good war, but he's full of shit, he won't do it"
The following day Caeser rounds up his armies and sets off for France. Six months later, he's back.
"My beloved Romans I am pleased to announce that I have conquered France and in the process we have slain 50,000 Gauls."
A huge cheer goes up from the crowd.
" I can't believe it" says Brutus to the centurion. " I'm going to have to go and see this for myself"
Brutus hops onto a galley and sets sail for France. Two weeks later, he's back Just as Caeser is starting another of his speeches.
"My fellow countrymen..." Begins Caeser.
"You lying git" shouts Brutus
"I beg your pardon?" Says Caeser
" You said had conquered France and slain 50,000 Gauls, but in actual fact, you have only slain 25,000". Exclaimed Brutus.
"Ah, but you forget..." Says Caeser " In Europe, away Gauls count double !"

Pinched off a Dad Joke account on Twitter:

Meatloaf has divorced his wife who was also acting as his accountant. Apparently, she'll do anything for love but she won't do VAT...

.

Blimey, seems one of our neighbours was taken to hospital in the night with suspected Covid. I hear he’s been put on one of the new Dyson ventilators and is now picking up nicely.

Saw a terrorist walking around with a load of recycling containers. He was BIN LADEN

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Turns out people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, whereas... well, I'll let you work out the rest.  ;)

I put all my old dogging gear up on Ebay.

I haven't had any bids yet but there are 14 people watching.

I just saw 3 Oxford fans playing football with a hedgehog in the park.

I was going to call the RSPCA but the hedgehog was winning 4-0.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Since the stay-at-home period started the price of indoor trampolines has jumped through the roof.

 Here in Germany there's been a particular spike, maybe because of the habit of wearing first world war helmets.

You are pickeled then.

Tinder is going to be absolutely rife with horny bastards after social restrictions are lifted. The surge of unprotected sex will once again burst through the roof in the UK. Except for those not so lucky 'I'm sorry, I can't. I'm washing my hair' will no longer be the curve to fall upon. Rejected souls across the land will be met with 'I'm sorry, I'm Covid positive.'

Mind you the clever will counter with 'It's ok babe...I'm immune!'

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she not realise that our porch goes all the way

round the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes" the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.

" Thank you" the blonde said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi"
😁

Lee Power thought lewishamilton.com was an 'otel booking site.  :hmmm:

One of my kids told me the following:

There was this man and he had two girlfriends one called Keeley and one called Lorraine and he suddenly decided he didn't like Lorraine anymore and just wanted to see Keeley so he dumped Lorraine and he was so happy he started singing a song and it went 'I can see Keeley now Lorraine has gone'.

I've removed all appropriate grammar to reflect accurately how he said it.

I feel like I've just gone twelve rounds with Audley Harrison. Fine

I've actually just found out my Grandad is pretty addicted to Viagra...No one is taking it harder than my Nan!

The far right, anti-semite and anti-muslim hooligan has finally been tracked down and arrested. A Ray Cyst, 47 yr old male...