Joke thread......

[Dazzza]

Q: What do you call a fat bird with a yeast infection?

A: A whopper with cheese.

[McLovin]

one from the pub...

what's black and sits at the top of the stairs?




stephen hawking in a house fire.

[Bob's Orange]

How do you confuse an idiot?

Pink shoes.

[Simon Pieman]

How do you confuse an idiot?

Pink shoes.

I won't say anything  

[Danjackson10]

How do you confuse an idiot?

Pink shoes.

That is clever, i really understand that joke!

[Danjackson10]

What happened to the short sighted circumciser!?



He got the sack!

[STFC Village]

[Sade]

Who did the man bump into on his way to the optitions?....

Everyone :?

[pumbaa]

Old and you've all probably heard it, but what the heck

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights have got to stop.  I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[pumbaa]

Equally awful one liners  :|

1. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
 
2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
 
4. Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.
 
5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
 
6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.
 
7. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night?
His last name.
 
8. What's the down side to a threesome?
You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
 
9. How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
 
10. Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
 
11. What's the similarity between a hurricane and an Alabama divorce?
Somebody's gonna' lose a trailer.

[reeves4england]

David Beckham gets on a plane to Madrid with an economy ticket, and sits in 1st class.
Air hostess: Excuse me sir, you'll have to move, you have an economy ticket.
David refuses to move, so the air hostess calls the co-pilot.
Co-pilot: I'm sorry Mr Beckham but you will have to move, these are not your seats.
Still he refuses. So the captain says "Don't worry. I know how to handle this one". So he goes over, and gets Beckham to move to the economy seats.
"How did you do that?" asked the co-pilot
Pilot: "I told him 1st class wasn't going to Madrid"

George Bush's secretary walks in and says "Mr Bush, err, 3 Brazilian soldiers have died today in Iraq"
Bush is lost for words and starts mumbling in the corner.
"Is something wrong Mr Bush?"
"Is something wrong? THREE BRAZILIANS?! How many millions is that?!"

Both lame I know  

[Sade]

I've got a good'un

There were two eggs boiling in a pan.One was a girl egg and one was a boy egg.All of a sudden The girl egg shouted 'I've found a crack'.The boy egg replied 'oh hang on I'm not hard yet'    

Thank ye Thank ye.

[PHIL!!!!]

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It's okay," he said, "but why won't they let me fart?"

   Thats a gooden

[Sussex]

Dave m Russell is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Dave sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Dave decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mum, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mum is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Dave remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

[Nils]