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dell boy
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« Reply #135 on: Wednesday, January 6, 2010, 14:44:18 » |
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Ha Ha Ha |
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Saxondale
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Posts: 6390
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« Reply #136 on: Sunday, December 5, 2010, 14:24:52 » |
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I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox informing me that I can have sex at 75!
I'm so happy because I live at 67 so its not far to walk home afterwards
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Never knowingly overstated.
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Bogus Dave
Ate my own dick
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Posts: 16352
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« Reply #137 on: Saturday, December 11, 2010, 10:15:50 » |
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I was just looking out the window when I saw a cyclist in an oxford shirt get run over by a lorry. I thought to myself, "That could have been me."
I can drive a lorry.
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Things get better but they never get good
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leefer
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« Reply #138 on: Saturday, December 11, 2010, 11:52:26 » |
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A man sees a job advertised for an assistant to a gynaecologist...it involves stripping the patients shaving the pubic area ready for the doctors attention.
Salary is £80,000 per annum...the man asked the secretary at the agency if he could apply and any other info on the job...she says you will have to go to Inverness.....bloody hell says the man is that ware the job is situated?....to which she replies no.....thats where the queue starts for the application forms!
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Nemo
Shit Bacon
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« Reply #140 on: Saturday, January 15, 2011, 23:01:15 » |
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God help Frankie Sandford if Wayne Bridge always struggles this badly on a Saturday.
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Bewster
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Posts: 4004
We fucking love you Gumbo!
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« Reply #141 on: Friday, January 21, 2011, 09:13:39 » |
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What do you call an Irish woman with two cunts ??
Jedward's Mum.
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Saxondale
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Posts: 6390
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« Reply #142 on: Friday, January 21, 2011, 23:19:36 » |
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Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my pixar films.
I said "You can have Toy Story, Cars and finding Nemo, but I'm never gonna give you Up "
'I made a chicken salad the other day.
He still hasn't thanked me'."
Q: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic,
transvestite?
A: She just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.
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Never knowingly overstated.
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Simon Pieman
Original Wanker
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« Reply #143 on: Friday, January 21, 2011, 23:27:44 » |
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What do you call an Irish woman with two cunts ??
Jedward's Mum.
So obvious, but yet so funny. |
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The Professor
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Posts: 264
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« Reply #144 on: Saturday, January 22, 2011, 14:07:46 » |
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I understand that Gary Glitter is buying a season ticket at Aston Villa - he's heard that next season the forward line will be Young, Bent & Keane!
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tans
You spin me right round baby right round
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Posts: 25050
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« Reply #145 on: Saturday, January 22, 2011, 14:17:08 » |
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Watching Avatar in 3D was like watching someone put a smurf on a stick and shove it in your face.
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Peter Venkman
We don't need no stinking badges.
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Things can only get better
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« Reply #146 on: Saturday, January 22, 2011, 14:23:59 » |
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My cat just went out and caught a duck as it was flying past, now I have a duck filled fatty puss.
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Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
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Sippo
Living in the 80s
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Posts: 15585
I ain't gettin on no plane fool
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« Reply #147 on: Sunday, January 23, 2011, 19:22:17 » |
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I see a man has been charged over Jo Yeates murder. Seems they finally found the missing pizza the puzzle.
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If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit...
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leefer
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Posts: 12851
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« Reply #148 on: Thursday, February 3, 2011, 21:16:43 » |
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A Yorkshireman is in deep mourning for his wife.....he tells the local stonemason to inscribe the line
SHE WAS THINE onto the memorial stone.
A few days later the sad Yorkshireman goes to pick up the stone....he looks at it and screams....you have missed out the E.....you have missed out the E....
SHE WAS THIN......he wasnt happy but the stonemason assured the Yorkshireman he would add the E within twenty four hours...and true to his word the next day the memorial stone was ready to pick up complete with the missing E.
E SHE WAS THIN.
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jutty274
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Posts: 1863
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« Reply #149 on: Thursday, February 3, 2011, 23:31:32 » |
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My mate keeps insisting he isn't schizophrenic, i said " keep telling yourself that".
Saturday's game will have a female ref, kick off has been put back till 4pm so she can park her car properly.
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