Friday Joke Thread

[jayohaitchenn]

One for Red Frog.

Found my nan dead in her bed this morning, I was gutted. I put my arms around her and held her and as a tear rolled down my cheek I noticed that she was naked. I ended up fucking, and just as I was about to shoot my load up her arse she shouted "BOOO!"

I mean what sort of sick cunt pretends to be dead.



PS, My nan did actually die on Tuesday morning at about 00:15am at 84 years old after a long battle with dementia.

RIP Beatrice Hackman.

[Saxondale]

My wife has left me. She said to
get her something black and lacy
for Valentine's Day.

So I got her football boots.

[Flashheart]

Sorry to hear that John

RIP Beatrice

And in the same vain as your joke.....

My daughter is (genuinely) epileptic. Which is really handy when it comes to getting the washing done

[Samdy Gray]

My daughter is (genuinely) epileptic. Which is really handy when it comes to getting the washing done

Just chuck the washing in the bath with her and flick the lights on and off?

[Flashheart]

Just chuck the washing in the bath with her and flick the lights on and off?

Yeah.

She doubles up as a Jacuzzi as well

[Coca Fola]

One for Red Frog.

Found my nan dead in her bed this morning, I was gutted. I put my arms around her and held her and as a tear rolled down my cheek I noticed that she was naked. I ended up fucking, and just as I was about to shoot my load up her arse she shouted "BOOO!"

I mean what sort of sick cunt pretends to be dead.



PS, My nan did actually die on Tuesday morning at about 00:15am at 84 years old after a long battle with dementia.

RIP Beatrice Hackman.

Is that meant to be part of the joke? I don't get it. If it isn't then R.I.P.

[janaage]

Rupert Murdoch is said to be devastated at the death of Whitney Houston. In a statement released earlier he stated that although sad, he is getting a great deal of comfort from the heartwarming messages left on her voicemail.

Found my nan dead in her bed this morning, I was gutted. I put my arms around her and held her and as a tear rolled down my cheek I noticed that she was naked. I ended up fucking, and just as I was about to shoot my load up her arse she shouted "BOOO!"

I mean what sort of sick cunt pretends to be dead.

Ha ha, like both of those! Especially the Nan one.

[jayohaitchenn]

Nah it is true Fola. That's life, I'm still smiling. Cheers guys x

[janaage]

Sorry to hear about your nan, nice to see you've dedicated one of the sickest jokes to her though.  And on the positive side this one was very good.

[Coca Fola]

Nah it is true Fola. That's life, I'm still smiling. Cheers guys x

Sorry to hear that mate.

[jayohaitchenn]

Sorry to hear about your nan, nice to see you've dedicated one of the sickest jokes to her though.  And on the positive side this one was very good.

The best part is a mate text me that joke about 5 hours after I found out. Great timing

[Victor Mildew]

I'm not saying my girlfriend is a slag,but even the labels in her knickers say next....

[Peter Venkman]

RIP Frank Carson, heres a few of his classics......

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

There’s a professor who’s crossed a chicken with a spider, he’s now got chickens with 8 legs! I said, ‘What does it taste like?” He said, ‘I don’t know, I haven’t caught any yet.’

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are at a Christmas party and each had to bring something to do with Christmas. Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, Scotsman brought a bag of holly and the Irishman brought a pair of knickers. I asked, ‘What’s that got to do with Christmas?’ He said, ‘They’re Carol’s.’

A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”

Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am. "Is that O'Malley's Bar?," he asks. "No it's not, this is a private residence." "Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you," says Paddy. "Ah it's no trouble," says the stranger. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?,” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...”

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.

A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: “You’ve got three minutes to live.” The man said: “Can you do something for me?” “Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.”

I rang British Telecom. I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: "Not you again.”

A fella said to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” And the doc says: “We should have told you yesterday.”

[janaage]

Lovely stuff JJ, proper jokes.

Had the misfortune to watch the 10 o'clock show last night, fuck me when did Jimmy Carr lose every ounce of talent for comedy. Truly awful. I know he was never the best but some of his stuff was cringeworthy.

[Bewster]

I heard that Frank Carson died from choking on food - It was a cracker.

RIP Frank - a genius of his time.

At least Whitney can now talk to Frank