Friday Joke Thread

[Doctor Bamber]

i read in a magazine this morning that apparently dogs have an inbuilt sixth-sense that allows them to pick up early vibrations of an earthquake, and can warn their owners up to two hours of an impending quake.

that'll teach the Japs not to eat the fuckers first then...........

[Peter Venkman]

I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word."

I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

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I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No 'fence.
Nun taken.

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When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered.
Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"

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Some woman at my hotel told me I speak 'too posh'.
With which I ravaged the plebeian filly.

[leefer]

Is that meant to be a joke,sure jokes are meant to make you laugh.....not wince.

[Don Rogers Shop]

Wish you hadn't quoted it leefer tried ignoring that.

[leefer]

 Sorted Dean

[Don Rogers Shop]

Cheers 

[woolster]

A bloke got a phone call from the police saying " your house has been broken into, they've drunk your stella and raped your wife", he said i cant believe they've fucked the wife  after only 5 cans!!!

[tans]

BBC News: Police find 16 lambs crammed into 2 cars on M5

Police spokesman said they believe they have cracked a welsh sex trafficking ring

[Batch]

Wales…. The only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a smashing jumper and a decent shag….. All from the same animal.

[Saxondale]

You shouldn't trust Dannii Minogue.
Her ii's are too close together

Q: Who waves a blue and white scarf and sings
with Miami Sound Machine?
A: Gloria Leicesterfan.

[Saxondale]

My new neighbour is half-American and half-Iraqi.
He's his own worst enemy

I used to do a bad impression of Eric Morecambe,
but now I've seen the error of my waheys.

My mother always taught me to make little things
count. So now I teach maths to dwarfs.

Didn't help myself in court yesterday. I was
arrested for child porn charges and the Judge
said, "How does 5-6 years sound?"
I said, "Sexy."

[Saxondale]

Me and the Mrs went to a restaurant last
night but it was ruined when the other
diners started calling me cradle snatcher.

All because I'm 52 and she's 21...
It totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

[@MacPhlea]

Boy picks up the phone to which a voice on the other end says

"Hello son it's your dad. Where's your mum?"

The boy replies "in bed"

The father says "in bed? It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon who's she in bed with?"

The boy replies "Uncle johnny"

The father says "right, I want you to shout upstairs and tell your mum I'll be home in 5 minutes"

The boy shouts out "Mum, dad says he'll be home in 5 minutes"

The father listens and can hear an almighty commotion and asked the boy what happenned

The boy replied "Well as soon as I shouted up uncle johnny jumped out of the bed, ran into the back bedroom, jumped out of the window, banged his head on the floor, rolled into the swimming pool and drowned. I think he's dead.

The father swiftly replies "swimming Pool? what blOody swimming pool? Is this 01335 766277?

[Bewster]

Man in bed with his wife and she turns to him and says "what would you like to do to my body ??

He replies - " identify it"

[dave_bambers_right_sock]

BREAKING NEWS:-

Plans to make the new T.V series, C.S.I Oxford have been scrapped after producers discovered no one has any dental records and everyone has the same DNA!!