Thetownend.com

Need some help, Dear Derdrie styleeee

As mentioned my old chap goes to Kingsdown next week. My eldest at Uni not to far from here is crying off because and i quote "I have class and a careers meeting"

Now this dullard has never been to uni, however i'm sure he can get an update/notes on the lecture that he claims he'll miss and rearrange this careers meeting under the circumstances. Actually the time of the funeral is 3pm so it would only mean dipping out on an afternoon so only one of his excuses can be used.

I know full fucking well the little shit would crawl over broken glass to get here if his mums dad was going up in smoke. Mainly cause the old codger has something of value to leave him in his will. My old chap has nowt to leave me let alone him. Am i being unreasonable to feel incandecsent with anger at what i see as a feeble excuse.

I don't intend to let this lie but i want to reply in a measured way. He'll take unbridge i know but i just can't let him get away with what i see as a copout.

Thoughts please, serious ones this is a distressing enough time as it is. I've got still to do the uology this weekend as well.

It's all about respect. Nobody likes funerals - I blubbed like a girl every time I had to put down one of my dogs - but family needs to come together to  offer support each other at such times.

Me and my 3 brothers hardly see each other but the funeral of my old man brought us together and we even had a laugh when we all went up to York to scatter his ashes in the Ouse.

Give him a fucking rocket.

When my wife's mother went to Kingsdown her brother didn't turn up!  Her own son didn't go to his mother's funeral - and his excuse "I couldn't get there"!  He lives in Swindon and wouldn't take a bus to the Kingsdown pub or get a taxi, total tosser who has been written out of two wills within the family that I know of!

Understand the anger R&P but don't let that cloud your judgement. This has the makings of the kind of long-running sore that could permanently tarnish your relationship with your lad. Can you get his Mum to have a word, maybe, make him understand how much this means?

No idea where she is! I think shes on holiday but not sure and TBH i'd rather he not come if it means having to kowtow to her to "have a word".

Fair enough. Bear in mind then it's very easy to cause a lot of long-term harm by harsh words spoken in anger. The tone you've used to talk about him in this post (while I'm sure it may well be justified) is pretty damning and if you find yourself repeating the same kind of sentiments - that he's a moneygrabbing "little shit" etc - direct to him, you may cause a rift that can't be repaired.

I'm not going to argue with your synopsis of the feelings i've portrayed. I have no real desire to air all the dirty laundry my family has, like most it is a huge load that persil would salivate at dealing with. That said i just need clarification of or validity of what i see as a feeble excuse.

It might just be he cant deal with it, and coming out with old shite to cover up. I've done the same before when young.

Tell him you need him there to support you. Whether true or not it may appeal to his vanity.

Best idea yet.  Doesn't stop you being straight with him about the feeble nature of his excuse.  Can't make it?!  Of course he can.  It's just a question of how badly he wants (or doesn't want) to.

Without knowing any of the ins & outs, there does seem to be something there that is making him not want to go.  Telling him that you would really like/need to have him there might swing it.

Agree with the above. Just tell him how much it would mean. If he still won't go and can't give a valid excuse, that's a bit shit. But he'll realise his error at some point, so try not to let it create a long term problem. Good luck.

TEF personal problems page? Is Dave Barratt a town fan?

It's a tough call & your emotions will be all over the place at the moment. You're obviously going to want him there but need to ask yourself if it's really worth falling out about? If I learned one thing from burying both my parents it is that life really is too short.

This. Especially if this is the first time someone close has died, I'd be surprised if he just didn't think he could face it. My girlfriend is the same, nobody in her family has died while she's been alive and when my grandad died she couldn't face the funeral. Doesn't mean you shouldn't have a chat and ask him to come, but try and lose some of the anger, it might well be fear rather than apathy on his part.

Cue the inevitable abuse I get for such posts. But I can't be the only one who thought the tone of your post towards your own son was fucking appalling. If, and that is an if, that tone is indicative of your relationship then maybe it's best for all concerned if he steers clear?

I had several grandparents' funerals to attend when at uni as excuses for no shows, which was a bit cheap and shallow actually and certainly immature.  You can be like that at that age, doesn't mean you'll always be a tosser. 

I now come across many family situations with members not talking to each other for decades and I think the advice to show restraint is valuable...you have to be the adult - however your son behaves and however you feel. 

At some point though it looks like your lad still needs to learn a little bit of respect for others and I wouldn't be too proud to enlist his mother to give a bit of guidance or use the idea of saying it would mean a lot to you to have his support.  If I might add, it sounds like you really need it and I hope you have others you can share those feelings with - as your lad may not be quite ready.   

You just have be strong and the captain of your own feelings.

Sorry for your loss.

he's upset over his loss and angry with his son Dave. what kind of tone do you expect? it's not too much to expect someone to turn up to their granddad's funeral.

Sorry for your loss, and that you find yourself in such a difficult situation.

Your anger is completely understandable. Even if his behaviour is reasonable (which I don't think it is, personally) you have suffered a terrible loss and are vulnerable to any sort of stress, which family problems are bound to cause. 

That said, he may very well be hurting more than you realise, and you can't risk ignoring his concerns. People cope with grief in different ways, and some people do become very self-centred and even deluded in order to cope. As others have said, it's far easier to make an excuse than deal with pain head-on as it were, especially if you're young and naive.

Anger is not the best way to resolve things ever, but particularly in this case, because as you know your father deserves to be put to rest in the most dignified way possible - and that is ideally without acrimony. As pauld says, you don't want this to become a long term issue.

I think appealing to his sense of vanity is a good idea, but a certain amount of honesty is pretty vital too. I'd try and address your concerns as matter-of-factly as possible, I.e. You find it upsetting that he's chosen college over the funeral and at this time it's important to be together. I'd personally try not to second guess his motives and feelings - It's a guaranteed way to upset yourself, and at the end of the day until you know for sure it's not going to be beneficial to your situation.

Good luck.

Think we've found the TEF's agony aunt.

You've misread the situation and there is as always a lot more to the conundrum. But thank you for your "forthright" opinion.

As always DMR is right.

Haven't  you got any real  friends or family to ask ?

Plus for all you Ells lovers , she/ he  is a  past  poster and a male.

Hahahaha, news to me!

But this really isn't the thread for that. Have some respect.

Respect for who?

The person who started this thread.

If you have a problem with people who post here you can take it up anywhere, but you chose to throw ridiculous accusations in a thread where someone who is going through a tough time is asking for advice. I can assure you I am not a man, and I'm not a previous poster (I'm sure the mods can verify this) but I think you should take it elsewhere regardless.

Have you been on the piss tonight?

Have you ever asked yourself why?

If you know him personally I apologise if not ........

DMR  is ace.

Oh, you have.

He doesn't care if  he's right or wrong he says what he thinks ,  respect.

That sums up a lot of wrongs with the modern mindset  :)
Badass.

Why?  It's the internet what you say and what you do are completely different. 

No he's not
Unlike you, yes you imbicile
God you're rank piece of work arn't you.

ote author=Red and Proud link=topic=56099.msg1351726#msg1351726 date=1443835726]
No he's not
Unlike you, yes you imbicile
God you're rank piece of work arn't you.
[/quote]

Say What.? What did I do?

If you can't work it out, I would just leave the thread now, rather than prolonging it.

This is beginning to look a lot like one of those digging a hole then melting down thread's.

Going back to the original topic perhaps the next problem to be solved perhaps can it be presented Deirdre's photo casebook style ?

As for the lad not attending the funeral its what men do - avoid talking about things as they don't know what to say.
t

(http://i.imgur.com/UJe9rLc.gif)

I may be able to square this....you're not a man, Ells, but you were previously ?
 ;)